5 Tips To Bagel Your Professor

The art of bageling is a delicate and sensitive dance – a skill that helps us bond with fellow Jews even while hiding it from outsiders. For example, calling your mom “ima” aloud when you’re otherwise craftily hiding your identity by having a normal nose or not wearing your Jewish Star necklace. Here are some helpful tips to sharpen your bageling skills to make sure your Jewish professor likes you.

  1. Make sure your professor is actually Jewish

Are they a Pre-Med, Pre-Law, or Judaic Studies professor? This is a good place to start figuring out if they, too, are members of the local JCC. Do they have a stereotypically Jewish name? Great! Even though stereotypes are the enemy of social equality, they are the friend of casual bageling. You are hereby permitted to assume that Professors Kohn and Rothblum are Jewish.

  1. Try methods like “The Ol’ Reliable” 

The most direct way isn’t exciting but guarantees results. Sending an email asking what you will miss over Yom Kippur is sure to set off your professor’s Jew-dar. If you get lucky, your General Chemistry professor will email back right away with Hebrew words, inquiries into whether he will see you at services, and a resounding “Chag Sameach”. If you’re really lucky, he may even sit outside with you on Yom Kippur and tell you all about his divorce, having only met you two days before.

  1. The Camp Shirt Technique

Riskier than Ol’ Reliable but with potential for higher payoff. This bageling trick involves wearing a noticeably Jewish shirt and ensuring your professor realizes that you are both of the Jewish persuasion. Bonus points if you find out your professor was in the same camp, youth group, or day school as you and has the same apparel at home. 

  1. The Holocaust

Just bring it up in class a lot, no need to actually perform a Holocaust of your own. 

  1. The Circumcision Decision

If these earlier options didn’t work for you, the last resort is to accidentally email a picture of your privates, an area commonly referred to in the scientific community as “inside the Shomer square” to show that you were also genitally mutilated as a child. Your professor is either anti-Semitic or a homophobe if they don’t reply with gratitude. 

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