MELROSE PARK, PA — Ending Birkat Hamazon abruptly, Rabbi Jacob Shiner, the head of Torat Emet Middle School, was barely able to hold back tears after hearing “sour cream” shouted over the prayer for the third time this week. When the perpetrator was discovered to be known trouble-maker Eli Goldstein, the 5th grader was promptly suspended from school for the remainder of the month.
“It’s just downright disrespectful,” Shiner told reporters. “How can God know we’re thankful for reheated school cafeteria food with all this table banging and ‘hoo-ha-ing?”
Parents have expressed concern that their children were returning home without having learned the post-meal blessings.
“That isn’t true at all! I know all of Birkat Hamazon. There’s the ‘I think I saw your bra’ one, the one where we all say ‘who-oh-oh,’ the ‘go up and down’ one, the ‘bang the table’ one, and, of course, the ‘sour cream’ one!” claimed 6th grader, Zoe Synder.
At press time Goldstein tearfully bid his classmates goodbye as teachers duct-taped students’ mouths shut and hands down in preparation for Shiner’s soul-stirring solo recitation of Birkat Hamazon.