Purim is one of the best Jewish holidays for getting absolutely smashed – sure, we have four cups of wine on Pesach, but on this holy day we’re literally commanded to get blackout drunk. Here are some quick and efficient ways to take your holiday experience to the next level.
1. Take a shot for every fandom-themed costume you see
Down one for every costume clearly recycled from comic-con – this includes, but isn’t limited to: Harry Potter, Star Wars, any superheroes, any Smash Bros fighters, Disney princesses, Hamilton, Grease, and anything else people on Twitter won’t shut up about.
2. Sit by your Rebbe and try to go shot-for-shot
No one goes as hard as a Rebbe on Purim. Try to match him if you can, but make sure you have good health coverage – that way, when you get carted off to the hospital to have your stomach pumped, it won’t put you in financial ruin. God speed.
3. Take a shot every time someone boos for too long
There’s always that one guy in the congregation who thinks booing for longer than everyone else is super funny. It’s not. We want to hear Megillah and get the hell out of there. So, to make it go faster, take a shot every time that guy boos after the crowd has quieted, And hey, a couple “Haman”s in, maybe you’ll even start to find it as funny as he does.
4. Take a shot for every guy with a “Hello my name is ____” sticker
Bonus points if it has a different name on it. We get it, you have no personality beyond “I’m like Jim from The Office.” Purim is a time for opposites, so this year why don’t you go V’nahafoch yourself into someone with an original idea for once?
5. Fast for Ta’anit Esther
There’s arguably no better way to get drunk on Purim than to use the system that’s already in place. If you don’t eat or drink all day leading up to the festivities, your stomach is sure to be empty enough for the alcohol to shoot straight to your head. Get ready for a wild ride, and as an added bonus you’ll feel spiritually fulfilled by the knowledge that Esther herself instituted this fast for just this reason.
Covid Purim 2021 Bonus: Take 3 shots any time someone draws a parallel between costumes and Covid masks
This year’s hottest D’var Torah topic is the “We all wear masks” metaphor. It’s projected to be the most over-used concept across the board. If you really want to get sloshed, this is the way to go.