Local Wal-Mart Opens Kosher Aisle, Features Matzah In July, Food That Isn’t Kosher

CINCINNATI, OH — When Wal-Mart announced they would be unveiling a Kosher aisle, the Jews of Cincinnati rallied behind the momentous decision – unfortunately, the results were underwhelming. 

“We were so excited that we’d be able to buy our matzah meal and Yizkor candles along with our dog shampoo and As Seen On TV items,” said David Gross, a prominent member of the community. “So when we were at Wal-Mart in early July buying clearance Fourth of July decorations to use for next year’s Sukkah, we thought we’d also buy some extra yahrzeit candles and kosher marshmallows. But all they had was Matzah and Hamantaschen.”

“In fairness, I don’t think they know that Passover food is supposed to be four times the price of normal food, which is great for us,” said Gross’s wife Marcie. “We stocked up on Manischewitz, Passover bread crumbs, crackers, cake mix, and lollipops, but we weren’t able to get anything that we will actually eat in the next six months.” Despite the fact that half of the contents of the brand-new Kosher aisle were boxes of Matzah, none of them were actually Kosher for Passover. 

“My boss told me that the Jewish newspaper made a really big deal about it, so we had to fill the shelves,” said Wal-Mart employee Tony Kingston. “So I just put some stuff that seemed Jewish. Like some pickles and grape juice and, like, flour? Some salt? I don’t know.” The flour in the aisle does not have a Kashrut certification. Neither do the salt or the pickles, although the Kosher salt and Kosher dill pickles remain located two aisles over.

“Surprisingly, the best thing we picked up from the Kosher section were some of those big rosary candles,” Mrs. Gross said. “Those will be great for 3-day holidays.” Kingston confirmed that he put those there because his buddy dared him to.

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