RIVERDALE, NY — According to rapidly spreading rumors circulating around the tri-state area, Congregation Beit Yisrael has made the courageous decision not to elect a female board president this year.
“The time to act is now, my fellow congregants,” said Roger Feldman, current synagogue board president, in an email to the congregation. “We considered moving forward with Dr. Deborah Hillner, and while we agree she is an accomplished woman and valuable member of our community, we as a congregation have always insisted on preserving nonsensical traditions in order to subjugate women, and we came to the heroic conclusion to continue allowing only men to make announcements at the end of services. It just feels right, you know?”
Other synagogue presidents in the area have expressed their support for the decision.
“We also considered continuing the long tradition of not allowing women to make the Yom Kippur appeal and announce when Shabbat ends,” said Harry Greenblatt of Congregation Torat Chayim, “but unfortunately we cowered before the savage masses and elected Deborah Hoffman-Schmidt as president. She’s even a judge for the cholent cook-off.”
Many congregants were elated to hear the news of CBY’s election of Howard Lubliner as the next president. “Now I still have the chance to be the first female president!” said Roger Feldman’s eight-year-old daughter, Shira.
At press time, Feldman was overheard muttering, “At least she doesn’t want to be a rabbi.”