JERUSALEM, IL — According to bewildered sources that witnessed the bizarre scene on Ussishkin Street early last month, Avraham Gold, local talmid chacham, accidentally fell off of a building, sticking the landing perfectly into a woman who was located below. Apparently, his fall was broken by the insertion of his erect penis into the woman’s supportive vagina.
Aviva Sternbaum, the woman in question, reported a week later that the surprise slam impregnated her.
“My mother always told me I had to put myself out there if I wanted to meet a man,” said Sternbaum. “It was my last resort, but lying on the street naked actually worked.”
Sternbaum decided to sue Gold for damages after he refused to be involved in raising the child, much to the delight of the Jerusalem Rabbinate. “You can’t begin to understand the hundreds of hours I’ve invested into this very subject, waiting decades for it to finally be relevant,” said Rabbi Shmulik Untermman. “They say if there are three cases like this in one year, it is a sign Mashiach is coming.”
The court decided after much deliberation that Gold’s level of responsibility to Sternbaum would be to pay for injury, pain, medical costs, and loss of livelihood. However, he will not be responsible for any shame that the situation has caused, since he didn’t intend to knock her up.
At press time, hundreds of women were contemplating similar schemes in order to help solve the Shidduch crisis.
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