Mom Absolutely Losing It Over Parve Dessert That Tastes Dairy

SKOKIE, IL — Spectators from the Shabbat table of Miriam Finkel yesterday claim they witnessed a bizarre scene when the soccer mom couldn’t seem to stop talking about the Tofutti Cuties she purchased at the kosher grocery store. Finkel had never tasted the delicacy before and had previously been wary of parve ice cream products. But when all the babka was sold out by the time she rushed in Friday afternoon, she claims she had no other choice.

“I couldn’t believe it,” Finkel said as she shoved leftover ice cream sandwiches in her mouth at an alarming speed, “I feel like I must be doing something wrong here. How is there no milk in this? There definitely is. It’s too good to be true.”

Shabbat guest Rebecca Bloom expressed her disillusion with the dessert. “I mean, it was fine. Miriam was freaking out about it, but it tasted a little like cardboard. Maybe her taste buds are still messed up from COVID.’

At press time, Finkel was seen licking the final drops of that shitty excuse for ice cream off her fingers. 

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