Hanukkah is all about celebrating the Jews beating the Greeks, the underdog rising up against the powerful enemy, light conquering darkness. Jews around the world gather and light candles in their windows for all the neighbors to see because we have allowed ourselves the disillusion that we can trust our goyishe neighbors not to turn us in when there’s another Holocaust. So instead we get cocky and show off our big win. But jeez, calm the hell down. Just because we won one, doesn’t mean we won ‘em all.
- The Destruction of the Second Temple
A mere 200 years after the great success of the Maccabees, the second temple was burnt to the ground by the Romans. If only we had surrendered to the Greeks when we had the chance, we could have hot tanned bods and cultural gay sex in bathhouses.
- The Spanish Inquisition
How could we not see this one coming? Sure, nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition, but our asses were kicked so thoroughly we’re not even in the top three things mentioned when discussing the year 1492.
- The War on Drugs
Oof, this one still hurts.
It’s already too late— it’s on the college campuses. Hide your children. Save yourselves.
- The #MeToo Movement
Weinstein, Allen, Franco, the Humble Toast guy. And is Kevin Spacey Jewish?
- The 2020 Emmy for Outstanding Lead Actress in a Limited Series or Movie
It could have gone to Shira Haas for Unorthodox, but instead, they let Regina King swoop in for her second-rate work in Watchmen. This one stung — Netflix has a weird hard-on for Orthodox Jews and we still can’t get an award? Ouch.
- The Cold War
Nothing will take your ego down a notch like the downfall of noted Jew, Karl Marx. Sure, there was also the oppression of Soviet Jewry, but mainly we’re upset about the toppling of the utopian ideal of the noted Jew, Karl Marx.
- The Holocaust
Need we say more? Although some would argue that giving the Jews eternal kvetching rights counts as a victory in the long term.
Sodabottle, CC BY-SA 3.0, via Wikimedia Commons with modifications