Tri-State Area Jews Secede From Out-Of-Towners

UPPER WEST SIDE, NY — In a press release following a month-long conference in Stamford, CT, the newly formed Northeastern Base of B’nai Israel (NEBBI) announced that the Jews of the northeastern United States would be seceding from the rest of the diaspora. 

This regional group, colloquially referred to as “in-towners”, is estimated to make up 98% of Jews that wear Canada Goose jackets. While most differences between in-towners and the rest of American Jews are minor at best, nearly every in-towner surveyed expressed feelings of superiority to their brethren in the American South, West, and Midwest – whom they refer to as “out-of-towners”, “Middle Americans”, or “common-folk” – despite their inability to point out those areas on a map. 

“For years, we have worked together to give all we could to the state of world Jewry,” the statement reads. “We’ve produced some of the finest Jewish philanthropists, collectively bid millions of dollars to receive Aliyot to the Torah, and taken the most extravagant Pesach vacations possible. Out-of-towners, with their lack of summer homes, constant need for financial aid, and their affinity for cheap reversible belts just can’t keep up with us. As such, we feel that we can no longer be grouped into the same category as those barbarians.”

“It was a long process, but we know we made the right choice,” said NEBBI President-elect Rabbi Abe Schaffzin. “We’ve had to defend our accents, our bagels, and our $80,000 bar mitzvahs for too long. The rest of the global Jewish community has their Judaism, and if they’re happy living in ignorance with their un-manicured hands, then who are we to take that from them? But we certainly don’t want to be associated with them.”

At press time, a fistfight broke out over whether New Jersey can really be considered in-town. 

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