NEW YORK, NY — In an exciting twist for alcoholics and enablers alike, St. Patrick’s Day and Purim fall on the same day this year. According to experts, this holiday coincidence is a unique opportunity for those who claim to “only drink on special occasions” to go absolutely apeshit without fear of divine retribution.
“We’re gearing up and preparing for the worst. Especially in the East Village, that’s where the action’s at,” said Chief Sanitation Officer, Jackson Hower, visibly anxious about the coming onslaught of drunkards. “The streets are going to be running green with vomit and discarded masks by Friday morning. Two groups of world-class drinkers partying on the same night could very well be the biggest challenge of my career.”
Some, however, spoke adamantly in favor of celebrating the two holidays as one.
“It is in God’s name that you can carry around a Gatorade bottle that’s 75% vodka in public. Go ahead and order a shot of every type of tequila,” preached Rabbi Ze’ev ‘The Wolf’ Cohen. “You have divine permission to get a green margarita pitcher for ‘the whole table,’ but really just drink it all yourself.”
At press time, Rabbi Cohen was spotted at an Irish bar leading a group of St. Patty partiers in a jaunty chorus of ‘Misheh Nichas Adar.’