Opinion: Just Because The Jews Suffered In Egypt Shouldn’t Mean I Have To Suffer Through Your Shitty Passover Dessert

We’re amid the gluten-free revolution, people. I’m not just talking about cauliflower crust— there are completely gluten-free pizza restaurants out there with Michelin stars—so why is it that the Jews still don’t know how to bake a single decent Passover dessert? 

I mean, how hard can it be? Swap in some almond flour in your favorite cake recipe. Crush up some of those baby finger cookies (still not sure why we chose to call them baby fingers, by the way, seems a little insensitive on the heels of the whole “kill the firstborns” thing) and add a custard, maybe some raspberries. There are so many options for non-shitty desserts, and in the year 2022, there’s just no excuse. 

And you know what, I’ll just say it: I don’t give a fuck about any ‘my Bubbie always used to make these cake-meal cookies’ sob stories. I’ve had it. Your cherished hand-me-down family recipe tastes like chocolate chips and sawdust charred in a cardboard oven. Give me literally anything else. I’d rather swallow the shank bone whole than try to dry swallow another one of your mealy hockey pucks that ‘you really need to dip it in some tea, then it’s delicious!’. It’s not. I wouldn’t wish this plague on the Egyptians. 

Shouldn’t Passover be a celebration of salvation? Our people have suffered enough over the generations, and between the Matzah constipation, the Maror sandwich, and having to listen to 12 of my little cousins each recite Mah Nishtanah in its entirety, I’ve suffered enough this holiday too. After all that, you’re going to subjugate me to a bad dessert? I get that we’re a nation of the downtrodden, but that’s just too much suffering for this dessert-enthusiast to handle. 

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