Study Finds Debbie Friedman’s “Mi Shebeirach” More Effective Than Moderna, Pfizer, and Johnson & Johnson Vaccines

BALTIMORE, MD — A recent study from Johns Hopkins has determined that while the Moderna, Pfizer, and Johnson & Johnson vaccines are effective for preventing COVID-19, the best cure available is a soulful rendition of Debbie Friedman’s “Mi Shebeirach” prayer. The study observed 10,000 vaccine recipients and 500 temples, youth groups, and Hebrew school classesContinue reading “Study Finds Debbie Friedman’s “Mi Shebeirach” More Effective Than Moderna, Pfizer, and Johnson & Johnson Vaccines”

Confused Dominatrix Accidentally Attends Rally for BDS Movement

BERKELEY, CA — Clad in tight-fitting leather fetishwear, local dominatrix Susie Sanders told reporters that her attendance at a rally in support of the Boycott, Divestment and Sanctions movement that took place on the quad of UC Berkeley last Monday was unintentional.  “I came here to fuck,” said Sanders, who was looking to participate inContinue reading “Confused Dominatrix Accidentally Attends Rally for BDS Movement”

Miracle Baby Born Without IBS

NEW YORK CITY, NY — Nothing short of a miracle took place at Manhattan’s Mount Sinai Hospital last night, where Melissa and Zev Pressman gave birth to an inexplicably IBS-free baby boy. The child appears to have been born without the rare intestinal disorder that causes abdominal pain and difficult bowel movements, common to JewsContinue reading “Miracle Baby Born Without IBS”

After 40 Years of Wandering, Sinai Jews Disappointed to Discover Israel is Just More Desert

GILGAL, ISRAEL — After 40 years of Moses pumping up the land of Israel, the Jewish people were all disappointed to discover their promised holy homeland is just more fucking desert. “I don’t understand where those spies got that massive fruit from,” Israelite Jebediah Ben Eli said. “We don’t even have drip irrigation yet.”  OtherContinue reading “After 40 Years of Wandering, Sinai Jews Disappointed to Discover Israel is Just More Desert”

Entire Building Disturbed by Sounds of Local Student on Phone with Grandmother

URBANA-CHAMPAIGN, IL — Disaster struck Alana Rappaport this Tuesday afternoon when the  University of Illinois sophomore was rushing to her biology midterm and her phone chimed. “My dad texted to remind me that it was my Bubbe’s 86th birthday, and to make sure I remembered to call her before she went to bed at 4:45,”Continue reading “Entire Building Disturbed by Sounds of Local Student on Phone with Grandmother”

Local Father Waterboarded but Still Won’t Reveal Afikoman Hiding Spot

ANY OF THE FIVE TOWNS, NY — Tensions were high this past Sunday night when the children of the Bloom household employed advanced interrogation techniques on their father Shloimie Bloom as part of an ongoing investigation regarding the location of the afikoman. Shloimie, who usually just hides it behind a picture frame, took his responsibilitiesContinue reading “Local Father Waterboarded but Still Won’t Reveal Afikoman Hiding Spot”

Sephardic COVID Patient Relieved to Lose Sense of Taste Right Before Visiting Ashkenaz In-Laws for Passover

SEATTLE, WA — After a long battle with the COVID-19 virus, local graduate student Aaron Abarbanel was relieved to find his lost sense of taste and smell have not yet returned, just in time to visit his in-laws of Polish descent.  “When I go over there I already have to shovel cold pressure-cooker brisket andContinue reading “Sephardic COVID Patient Relieved to Lose Sense of Taste Right Before Visiting Ashkenaz In-Laws for Passover”

Elderly Persian Man at Least Four Words Behind Throughout Entirety of Mourner’s Kaddish

BEVERLY HILLS, CA — Mourners praying at Congregation Mogen David reportedly had trouble getting through Kaddish at the end of a Wednesday afternoon Mincha due to the delayed recitation of Haim Ephrampur, a 78-year-old Iranian member of the community.  The Mourner’s Kaddish, a traditional Jewish prayer said for 11 months after the death of aContinue reading “Elderly Persian Man at Least Four Words Behind Throughout Entirety of Mourner’s Kaddish”

Overly-passionate Congregation’s Boos Starting to Hurt Megillah Reader’s Feelings

WHITE PLAINS, NY — Reports of Temple Sharith Israel’s annual Megillah reading event becoming progressively more hostile every year have been rocking the White Plains community, and Rabbi Danya Farstein has fallen victim to the brunt of the hostility.  “At first, it was barely noticeable. The booing at the mention of Haman was maybe aContinue reading “Overly-passionate Congregation’s Boos Starting to Hurt Megillah Reader’s Feelings”