SILVER SPRING, MD — Rumors have been circulating that local man with massive shofar Avi Stoltz can hardly maintain a clear note for twenty seconds. Despite the elegant and elaborate shofar in his possession, many are now speculating that his actual shofar skills, in reality, blow.
Congregants at Stoltz’s synagogue, Temple Beth David, were able to identify Stoltz almost immediately. “Oh, that douche with the shofar that stretches and loops for miles? I know exactly who you’re talking about,” said Hannah Ben-Tzion, on being asked if she knew ‘that shofar guy’ by reporters on the scene. “Listen. Just because his shofar has the wingspan of Kareem Abdul-Jabbar doesn’t mean I care about his sho-manship.”
Even synagogue administrators voiced frustration at Stoltz’s elaborate horn. “Every congregation has one, but man, what a sho-off,” said the synagogue’s cantor Haim Blatt. “I’m not forgetting that he spent basically the first thirty-five seconds of the Tekiah Gedolah just spitting all over the place just because of his little sho-and-tell. Walkin’ around like he’s the only person in the world with a shofar loopier than the Three Stooges, it makes me want to puke.”
A petition to replace Stoltz has accumulated over a hundred signatures – sho-far, sho-good.