Breaking: New Evidence Suggests Matzah Invented By Ancient Jews Who Didn’t Want To Poop In Desert

THE DESERT — On an archaeological excavation last Thursday, noted biblical and Jewish day school teacher, Dr. Albain Halfstead, reportedly discovered a papyrus scroll that explained the historical context behind the invention of matzah. 

“Those of us familiar with the Old Testament will know the story of the Jews leaving Egypt in such haste that their bread didn’t have time to rise,” said Halfstead with a little too much excitement, “But this document seems to establish a historical precedent that matzah’s invention was actually primarily for its constipatory digestive effects.” 

The scroll itself is a personal account of an Israelite from the early 13th century BCE recording her uncomfortable experience of finding a place to defecate while wandering the desert.

“I used to trek for 3 hours just to have some privacy,” wrote the author Miriam El-Chaim. “Now at least I don’t feel like I’m holding it in the entire time. It’s a one-and-done situation.”

Notably, many historians are now citing this source as the first recorded evidence of a “shy pooper.”

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