YOUR CAMPUS HILLEL — A groundbreaking meta-analysis of a sociological survey conducted by the U.S. Census Bureau proved mathematically that the Shabbat services hosted by your campus Hillel are quantitatively the horniest place on Earth.
University Hillels proudly offer multiple Friday night services geared towards different denominations of Judaism, all of which are practically an open-season no-holds-barred fuckfest of Grecio-roman proportions, says the study.
“Oh yeah, Kab Shab was basically a man-meat buffet,” Binghamton alumna Marsha Fallas shared. “While everyone else was davening Lecha Dodi, I was checking out Gary Goldstein’s ass as he bowed to the Shabbat Kallah.”
“I don’t understand what the big surprise is,” remarked University of Maryland student Eli Fineblum. “My mom sent me to Maryland to meet Jewish girls. That’s why we’re all here.”
The study found a rate of sexual arousal in Hillel attendants measurably higher than anywhere else examined, including pornography conventions, summer camp bunks, and Bonobo monkey sanctuaries.
Image via Deposit Photos.
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