Study Discovers Horniest Place On Earth: Your Campus Hillel’s Shabbat Service

YOUR CAMPUS HILLEL — A groundbreaking meta-analysis of a sociological survey conducted by the U.S. Census Bureau proved mathematically that the Shabbat services hosted by your campus Hillel are quantitatively the horniest place on Earth. University Hillels proudly offer multiple Friday night services geared towards different denominations of Judaism, all of which are practically anContinue reading “Study Discovers Horniest Place On Earth: Your Campus Hillel’s Shabbat Service”

L’Chaim: Manischewitz To Release Hard Seltzer Brand Targeted At College Hillels

WALTHAM, MA — On the heels of an especially booze-soaked Purim, Manischewitz has announced the production of their own brand of hard seltzer in an attempt to liven up Hillel events. “It’s two of the world’s most popular types of alcohol combined into one great drink!” said Manischewitz representative, Chana Gould. “It’s the perfect drinkContinue reading “L’Chaim: Manischewitz To Release Hard Seltzer Brand Targeted At College Hillels”

Local campus Hillel Proves Pluralism Is Totally Possible As Long As No One Interacts With Each Other

COLLEGE PARK, MD — The University of Maryland Hillel has proven, once and for all, that Jewish communities are capable of creating inclusive and pluralistic spaces, where Jews of all denominations can feel comfortable practicing their own brand of Judaism around each other, as long as they are within their own designated rooms of theContinue reading “Local campus Hillel Proves Pluralism Is Totally Possible As Long As No One Interacts With Each Other”

Jew Spots Other Jew on Campus, Wants Him to Know He’s Also Jewish

NASHVILLE, TN — After spotting a kippah-clad male student crossing campus on Monday, Vanderbilt University Hillel secretary Jacob Rubin reportedly wanted to signal to him that he, too, identified as a member of the Jewish religion. “I tried making eye contact, but he didn’t notice,” Rubin said, still looking over his shoulder and tracking theContinue reading “Jew Spots Other Jew on Campus, Wants Him to Know He’s Also Jewish”

Prospective Student at College Fair Way Too Worried About BDS on Campus, Considering He Probably Won’t Even Get In

ST LOUIS, MO — At Washington University in St. Louis’ prospective student visiting day on Sunday, high school senior Jason Wolman spent far too much time asking about the presence of anti-Zionist organization BDS on campus, for someone with very little chance of being accepted to the college in the first place.  “This stuff isContinue reading “Prospective Student at College Fair Way Too Worried About BDS on Campus, Considering He Probably Won’t Even Get In”

Campus Chabad Giving Out Branded Crap like There’s No Tomorrow

BINGHAMTON, NY — Students at Binghamton University worry that they missed a holiday or something, because the campus Chabad just keeps giving them things. Melissa Baker, a sophomore, struggled to open her dorm room door as she juggled a Chabad on Campus branded tote bag, a pair of neon sunglasses, and a Shabbat times refrigeratorContinue reading “Campus Chabad Giving Out Branded Crap like There’s No Tomorrow”

Hillel Member Posts infographic to Instagram Story, Solves Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

CHICAGO, IL — Palestinians and Jews around the world have breathed a sigh of relief and begun mass celebrations as an infographic shared by University of Chicago Hillel treasurer Josh Goldfarb has finally put an end to the decades-long conflict between Israel and Palestine.  Since being posted last Thursday, the graphic, which depicted the colorfulContinue reading “Hillel Member Posts infographic to Instagram Story, Solves Israeli-Palestinian Conflict”

Embarrassing: Ashkenaz Couple’s Surprise Familial Relation Reflects Poorly on Jewish Geography Skills

CHICAGO, IL — One month before their wedding, Nathan Levine of Skokie and Rayna Greenblatt of Highland Park were devastated to learn of a Jewish geography connection they had overlooked: in a shocking twist of fate, they discovered they are 3rd cousins. Levine and Greenblatt had been dating for just under two years and wereContinue reading “Embarrassing: Ashkenaz Couple’s Surprise Familial Relation Reflects Poorly on Jewish Geography Skills”

Zoom Hillel Doesn’t Hit Like it Used To

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA — Students at the University of Virginia report that Hillel’s Zoom events just aren’t quite doing it for them anymore. Despite the student board’s ongoing attempts at creating engaging activities and services, members of the community feel it just isn’t quite right. “I don’t really feel like I have the time to logContinue reading “Zoom Hillel Doesn’t Hit Like it Used To”

Inventing the Cherry Tomato Doesn’t Excuse Israel’s Actions

I am a proud Zionist, and there are many things that make me proud of my home nation – so when I hear people on campus discussing Israel, I am quick to respond with the many ways that Israel has actually made the world a better place: Waze, USB drives, drip irrigation, and so muchContinue reading “Inventing the Cherry Tomato Doesn’t Excuse Israel’s Actions”