Uh Oh: The Goy Just Touched the Wine Bottle at the Dinner Table

HOUSTON, TX — Brian Goodman didn’t think anything terrible could happen when he invited his weird uncle Robert over for dinner with his family, but all that changed when his Uncle’s new girlfriend Kim poured herself a glass of Baron Herzog Special Reserve Cabernet Sauvignon. “It happened almost in slow motion,” Goodman said via aContinue reading “Uh Oh: The Goy Just Touched the Wine Bottle at the Dinner Table”

Shul Bathroom has had Same Basket of Tampons on the Counter as Long as Local Student Can Remember

TAMPA, FL — When Ruthie Mandel came home for Thanksgiving break of her freshman year in college, she knew her parents were going to make her go to shul. She didn’t expect for her trip to the bathroom during the Torah service to bring back such unexpected memories, and certainly didn’t expect a basket ofContinue reading “Shul Bathroom has had Same Basket of Tampons on the Counter as Long as Local Student Can Remember”

Study Finds Debbie Friedman’s “Mi Shebeirach” More Effective Than Moderna, Pfizer, and Johnson & Johnson Vaccines

BALTIMORE, MD — A recent study from Johns Hopkins has determined that while the Moderna, Pfizer, and Johnson & Johnson vaccines are effective for preventing COVID-19, the best cure available is a soulful rendition of Debbie Friedman’s “Mi Shebeirach” prayer. The study observed 10,000 vaccine recipients and 500 temples, youth groups, and Hebrew school classesContinue reading “Study Finds Debbie Friedman’s “Mi Shebeirach” More Effective Than Moderna, Pfizer, and Johnson & Johnson Vaccines”

Win for Zionism on Campus: This American Birthright Participant Just Hooked Up with an IDF Soldier

These days, college campuses can often be filled with anti-Israel propaganda, and students end up hiding their opinions just because of the pressure they feel to fit in with the crowd. But all that might change thanks to a stunning display of Zionist pride by UC Berkeley chem major Molly Segel and her Birthright guide,Continue reading “Win for Zionism on Campus: This American Birthright Participant Just Hooked Up with an IDF Soldier”

Confused Dominatrix Accidentally Attends Rally for BDS Movement

BERKELEY, CA — Clad in tight-fitting leather fetishwear, local dominatrix Susie Sanders told reporters that her attendance at a rally in support of the Boycott, Divestment and Sanctions movement that took place on the quad of UC Berkeley last Monday was unintentional.  “I came here to fuck,” said Sanders, who was looking to participate inContinue reading “Confused Dominatrix Accidentally Attends Rally for BDS Movement”

Miracle Baby Born Without IBS

NEW YORK CITY, NY — Nothing short of a miracle took place at Manhattan’s Mount Sinai Hospital last night, where Melissa and Zev Pressman gave birth to an inexplicably IBS-free baby boy. The child appears to have been born without the rare intestinal disorder that causes abdominal pain and difficult bowel movements, common to JewsContinue reading “Miracle Baby Born Without IBS”

After 40 Years of Wandering, Sinai Jews Disappointed to Discover Israel is Just More Desert

GILGAL, ISRAEL — After 40 years of Moses pumping up the land of Israel, the Jewish people were all disappointed to discover their promised holy homeland is just more fucking desert. “I don’t understand where those spies got that massive fruit from,” Israelite Jebediah Ben Eli said. “We don’t even have drip irrigation yet.”  OtherContinue reading “After 40 Years of Wandering, Sinai Jews Disappointed to Discover Israel is Just More Desert”

A Crash Landing is Still Technically a Landing: Remembering Israel’s Space Program on the Yahrtzeit of Beresheet

Today, April 11th, we observe the second yahrtzeit of Beresheet – the small, determined, and inspiring robotic-lunar-lander-that-could that was set to be Israel’s debut on the Moon. Beresheet was built by a team from SpaceIL and Israel Aerospace Industries, and set many records with graceful purpose: she made Israel the seventh country to orbit theContinue reading “A Crash Landing is Still Technically a Landing: Remembering Israel’s Space Program on the Yahrtzeit of Beresheet”

Ranking Non-Jewish Celebrities by How Jewish they Are

Have you ever looked at a celebrity and thought “man, they have to be Jewish” – only to be disappointed when you check their Wikipedia page? Us too! Which is why we’ve compiled our top ten favorite fake-out goys! These are The Schmear’s official rankings of non-Jewish celebrities based on how Jewish they are. 10.Continue reading “Ranking Non-Jewish Celebrities by How Jewish they Are”