BOCA RATON, FL — Shockwaves rippled through the Jewish community this week when Josh Jacobs, the head of national youth group NCSY, admitted that the organization invented shomer negiah in the late 50’s as part of a joint effort with the Orthodox Union to stop high schoolers from engaging in physical acts on Shabbatons.
Many longtime NCSY devotees have been especially hurt by the news. “Ever since my first Shabbaton in 9th grade I thought I would go to hell for touching a woman,” said NCSY Alum and current advisor Sam Cohen. “I’ve wasted so many years jerking off alone, and what did I get out of it? A love of Judaism and Slow Shira? Fuck that. I want some pussy.”
When asked why they finally fessed up to the massive conspiracy, spokesperson Chaya Mandelbaum said “rumor has it Josh Jacobs walked in on his son getting blown on the Winter Shabbos Extravaganza. I honestly think he just snapped.”
Director Jacobs could not be reached for comment.