NORTH POLE, ARCTIC OCEAN — Following a decisive military victory on Thursday the 23rd with the capture of Santa Claus, Jewish communities across the country are celebrating their triumph as they warmly welcome back veterans of the War on Christmas. After years of armed struggles, from the infamous Starbucks front to the dreadful Twitter tactics, Jewish people can finally celebrate their victory over Christmas.
General Gavi Kirschner of Cherry Hill, NJ spoke to the jubilant crowd that gathered at the Philadelphia JCC this weekend. “The bad times are behind us, and I thank all of you who fought with us: the civilians that complained to managers upon hearing ’Merry Christmas’ from the cashier at Target, the stay-at-home moms that refrained from watching a Hallmark Christmas movie, the shoppers who broke into Wal-Marts to hide their aisles of stocking stuffers. You are the heroes. And together, we beat Christmas.”
Fallen soldiers are being memorialized with their names on an aggressively large menorah in a pickup truck being driven around town by Chabad rabbis, and local veterans’ hospitals have begun to care for the brave men and women experiencing flashbacks at the sound of “fa-la-las.”
After a devastating period of total war, Jews can now finally rest easy knowing that they have effectively ruined Christmas for everyone else in America, forever.