We’ve all been to a Bar or Bat Mitzvah where the kid does a project that aims to better their community – and let us be the first to say, big whoop. Oh, cool, you collected food for a food bank! Wow, you raised money for a children’s hospital, how original! If you really want your Bar Mitzvah project to stand out, here are some alternative options guaranteed to make your transition into adulthood memorable.
- Make a Survivor audition tape
Yes, you might be too young right now to apply for the reality show Survivor, but I can guarantee you, an audition tape you made when you were twelve or thirteen will be great supplementary material for when you send in your real audition tape in a few years.
- Invest in a snow-cone machine
You’ll be the envy of the whole neighborhood this summer! You could one-up the lemonade stand on the corner and sell some high-quality snow-cones – hell, you could even get fancy and make ones that are half red and half blue.
- Create a new flavor of frozen yogurt
Ok, this one could still help the community, even though the frozen yogurt trend has quieted to a casual buzz. This is your opportunity to shove fro-yo into the faces of unsuspecting citizens once again, but this time, with a flavor all your own! When coming up with new flavors, I like to base them off of my favorite television characters. So far, I have a honey flavored one inspired by Bumblebee from Transformers, as well as a vanilla/blue raspberry swirl inspired by Bluestreak from Transformers.
- Vanish and reappear at least six years later at the same age
Disappear into a forest on a foggy night or fade into the horizon, and don’t reappear for at least six years. When you do show up again, make sure it’s in the same spot where you disappeared. No time will have passed for you in the hellish interdimensional purgatory where you were held in limbo. Your family will receive you with tears and the police will ask questions, but it will take months to return to normal. Even years later, you will still have nightmares with hidden messages from the entity you met and forgot about, your family holding you close when you wake up screaming in an unintelligible nightmarish tongue. You may see shadows and hear whispers of voices that are undetectable to anyone else. Those years were like a blip in time, a scratch on a record, and will haunt you for the rest of your life. You must never speak of it.
- Start doing crossfit and base your D’var Torah on it
If you want to really go alternative and choose a project that is the complete opposite of tikkun olam, you can’t go wrong with crossfit – there are few things in the world as un-beneficial to society as a whole. Of course, you don’t really do crossfit unless everyone knows about it, so make sure to connect your adventures at the gym with whatever Torah portion you are reading.
If none of these alternative projects work for you, you can always stick to the normal ones that help the community and make the world a better place. But, if you’re feeling a little rebellious, feel free to use any of these options. Just remember to thank us here at The Schmear in your d’var Torah!