HOLLYWOOD, FL — In a tragic turn of events, six Young Israel congregants were hospitalized in critical condition this week, all harmed in the same fistfight that broke out next to the mini hot dogs at Jakey Schultz’s bar mitzvah kiddish.
“At first I felt bad throwing punches at guys I’ve prayed next to for 24 years,” said Yosef Loberstein, “But when the mini hot dogs come out at Kiddish, it’s every man for themself.”
The synagogue has reported that several knives and improvised weapons were seen before the tray was finished and the mob dispersed. The entire event took about five minutes, roughly the amount of time it would take 300-500 piranhas to strip the flesh off a 180-pound man.
“I was at the Macy’s 70% off Black Friday sale this year and this was still the craziest stampede I’ve ever seen,” said Rachel Taylor, community member, and avid davener. “I didn’t participate, of course – personally, I think it should be non-kosher to eat pigs in a blanket.”
Police are currently tracking down members of the Kiddush club, all of whom left prayers early, snacked and drank through the Rabbi’s speech, and escaped with no injuries.