Seder Ruined By Know-It-All Teen In Atheist Phase

BUFFALO, NY — During the Magid section of the Passover Seder, the Schaufmans read through the story of the Jews’ salvation from their oppression at the hands of the Egyptians – but 15-year-old member of the family, Hillel, had a few objections. 

“God came down with a strong hand and outstretched arm and liberated the Jews magically from their captors,” stated Hillel in an aggressively sarcastic tone. “Moses was probably a cool dude, but I don’t know about the whole ‘turning a staff into a snake’ thing. Come on.”

“You wouldn’t believe how obnoxious this kid is, I tell ya,” Hillel’s grandfather Morris said, clearly several cups of wine ahead of the Seder. “His mother printed out a whole ‘The Science Behind The 10 Plagues’ article for him – and we all pretended to like it – but we get to the splitting of the sea and he rolls his eyes? I mean, enough is enough with this shit already. I know he’s my grandson, but the kid’s a prick.”

At press time, the entire Schaufman family was avoiding eye contact with Hillel while reading the  “Wicked Son” portion of the Haggadah.

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