GILGAL, ISRAEL — After 40 years of Moses pumping up the land of Israel, the Jewish people were all disappointed to discover their promised holy homeland is just more fucking desert. “I don’t understand where those spies got that massive fruit from,” Israelite Jebediah Ben Eli said. “We don’t even have drip irrigation yet.” OtherContinue reading “After 40 Years of Wandering, Sinai Jews Disappointed to Discover Israel is Just More Desert”
Tag Archives: torah
On Jewish Dog Names
Editor’s Note: this article originally ran as the lead-in to the March 11th, 2021 newsletter, but by popular demand it is now being posted as a standard article. To avoid missing any more instant classics like this, subscribe to our newsletter on the front page of our website. When you think of the strength andContinue reading “On Jewish Dog Names”
Bar Mitzvah Theme Makes Area Kid Seem Way More into Basketball than He Really Is
MIAMI, FL — When guests walked past the life-size cutout of LeBron James welcoming them to “Ryan’s Home Court” at the Hilton last Saturday night for Ryan Glazer’s bar mitzvah party, then passed under an arch made of basketball balloons and into a ballroom full of tables with centerpieces made of light up hoops whoseContinue reading “Bar Mitzvah Theme Makes Area Kid Seem Way More into Basketball than He Really Is”
SHOCKING: Bar Mitzvah Speech Makes Sense?
PORTLAND, OR — Congregants at Temple Or Shalom were shocked this morning when bar mitzvah boy Daniel Haber’s speech was both coherent and interesting. Earlier that morning, the 13-year-old Daniel stumbled through his maftir and haftorah readings, which were barely audible to the friends and family who had traveled from around the country to beContinue reading “SHOCKING: Bar Mitzvah Speech Makes Sense?”
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