If you’re anything like me, you sometimes feel insignificant in the sea of other congregants at your local minyan. Maybe you dream of absolutely shredding some gnarly Tehillim to impress those on the other side of the mechitza. Well, boy oh boy, do I have some tips for you – listen loud and listen clear,Continue reading “Rad! 5 Davening Tricks to Assert Your Dominance in Your Community’s Minyan”
Tag Archives: daven
Opinion: This Side Of Mechitza A Real Sausage Fest
Everyone knows we all go to synagogue for one reason and one reason only: the chicks. What’s better than average sex that you don’t have to feel guilty about because your partner is definitely Jewish? I banged my way through the Egalitarian synagogue I usually go to and decided to try the Sephardic one downContinue reading “Opinion: This Side Of Mechitza A Real Sausage Fest”
Man Has Not Put On Tefillin Today, Despite What He Told Chabad Man On Street
WEST LAFAYETTE, IN — When local student Ezra Adler was asked by a bearded man, presumably of Chabad affiliation, if he had put on tefillin that day, it was the lie heard ‘round the world. Though laying phylacteries is traditional for Jewish men over the age of 13 to do every morning, Ezra had notContinue reading “Man Has Not Put On Tefillin Today, Despite What He Told Chabad Man On Street”
Shul Bathroom has had Same Basket of Tampons on the Counter as Long as Local Student Can Remember
TAMPA, FL — When Ruthie Mandel came home for Thanksgiving break of her freshman year in college, she knew her parents were going to make her go to shul. She didn’t expect for her trip to the bathroom during the Torah service to bring back such unexpected memories, and certainly didn’t expect a basket ofContinue reading “Shul Bathroom has had Same Basket of Tampons on the Counter as Long as Local Student Can Remember”
Elderly Persian Man at Least Four Words Behind Throughout Entirety of Mourner’s Kaddish
BEVERLY HILLS, CA — Mourners praying at Congregation Mogen David reportedly had trouble getting through Kaddish at the end of a Wednesday afternoon Mincha due to the delayed recitation of Haim Ephrampur, a 78-year-old Iranian member of the community. The Mourner’s Kaddish, a traditional Jewish prayer said for 11 months after the death of aContinue reading “Elderly Persian Man at Least Four Words Behind Throughout Entirety of Mourner’s Kaddish”
New Record For Loudest Sound Ever Heard: Grandma Whispered in Synagogue
BOSTON, MA — A new record has been set for the loudest sound recorded in human history. The title was once held by the 1883 eruption of the Krakatoa volcano, which was heard 3,000 miles away – but on Saturday, Arlene Rosenberg, 77 year old member of Congregation Or Yisrael, attempted to whisper during theContinue reading “New Record For Loudest Sound Ever Heard: Grandma Whispered in Synagogue”
Local Non-Jew Opens Sunkist Fruit Gem Before the Bat Mitzvah Kid is Done With Maftir, Disrupts Entire Service
CHARLOTTE, VA — Just as Mikayla Wasserman, age 13, began to chant the maftir portion at her bat mitzvah, she was interrupted by a sound from the far back corner of the sanctuary. At 11:46 on Saturday morning at Congregation Beth Shalom, Nick Thomsen, Mikayla’s piano teacher, was opening a Sunkist fruit gem, which heContinue reading “Local Non-Jew Opens Sunkist Fruit Gem Before the Bat Mitzvah Kid is Done With Maftir, Disrupts Entire Service”
Recent Divorcee Beating Willow Branch on Floor Definitely Going Through Something
SILVER SPRING, MD — Violently smacking a ceremonial willow branch against the ground while crying, local divorcee David Jacobson was reportedly asking aloud what he did to deserve this. Eyewitnesses on the scene report Mr. Jacobson taking the traditional beating of the willow branches on Hoshana Rabah way too far. While the rest of theContinue reading “Recent Divorcee Beating Willow Branch on Floor Definitely Going Through Something”
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