BETHESDA, MD — Students attending Congregation Etz HaTorah Hebrew school this Sunday were disappointed when Morah Jodi turned on the projector to reveal the Amazon Prime home screen, preparing to show Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark yet again. “How many years in a row can we watch Indiana Jones?” complained seventh grader BennyContinue reading “Hebrew School Teacher Turns On Projector, Shows Raiders Of The Lost Ark Again”
Category Archives: News
Report: Cheshvan Still Sucks
Syrian Community Petitions UN To Recognize Deal, New Jersey As Heritage Site
BROOKLYN, NY — Earlier today, court proceedings at the United Nations began discussing the much anticipated Deal Heritage case. The case was initially shrugged off by UN interns as a prank and somewhat of an insult to the integrity of the world’s most important moral voice – however, the Syrians wouldn’t let a couple ofContinue reading “Syrian Community Petitions UN To Recognize Deal, New Jersey As Heritage Site”
Scandalous: Elite Chocolate Cow’s Homophobic Tweets Discovered
Uh Oh: The Fax Machine At The Ohel Is Jammed Again
QUEENS, NY — The 27-year-old fax machine at the Ohel, the burial site of the Lubavitcher Rebbe, Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneerson, has jammed for the third time this month, according to reports. The fax machine receives close to 700 kvitlach, prayers written on small pieces of paper addressed to the Rebbe, each day. Now, withContinue reading “Uh Oh: The Fax Machine At The Ohel Is Jammed Again”
OU Heksher Council Denies Impossible Pork Certification On Grounds That It May Lead To Mixed Dancing
New York, NY — in a landmark decision this past Sunday, the Orthodox Union has decided to deny the Impossible Foods company’s new Impossible Pork product a Heksher. At a press conference, a spokesperson for the OU qualified this monumental Beit Din ruling with the simple reasoning that an OU symbol on a product labeledContinue reading “OU Heksher Council Denies Impossible Pork Certification On Grounds That It May Lead To Mixed Dancing”
Man On Brink Of Divorce Definitely Sleeping In Sukkah For Religious Reasons
Bachrach44, CC BY-SA 3.0, via Wikimedia Commons with modifications
Man Who Has Never Made Etrog Jam In His Life Swears This The Year He Finally Makes Etrog Jam
OAK PARK, MI — In a press release this week, accountant and local block party host Aryeh Gerber has vowed that this year will finally be the year that he makes jam out of the citrus used as part of the celebration of Sukkot. “This year, I’m really gonna do it,” stated Gerber at hisContinue reading “Man Who Has Never Made Etrog Jam In His Life Swears This The Year He Finally Makes Etrog Jam”
MorningStar Farms® Chik’n Nuggets Sales Spike Thanks To Vegan Kapparot
BROOKLYN, NY — In the week preceding Yom Kippur, MorningStar Farms® stock interests have skyrocketed. Explanations eluded leading economists, until Yonatan Glickman and his family were seen standing in their kitchen waving a bag of MorningStar Farms® Veggie Chik’n Nuggets around each of their heads as they completed the customary atonement ritual called Kapparot. The GlickmanContinue reading “MorningStar Farms® Chik’n Nuggets Sales Spike Thanks To Vegan Kapparot”
Fashion Emergency: Entire Community Spotted Wearing White After Labor Day
LOS ANGELES, CA — At 8 p.m. on Wednesday, in a bombshell move that sent shockwaves throughout the California fashion scene, hundreds – if not thousands – of families were seen walking through the Pico-Robertson area wearing all white, merely a week and a half after labor day. Fashion critic Angelica Judd rushed to the sceneContinue reading “Fashion Emergency: Entire Community Spotted Wearing White After Labor Day”
theschmear.com 