Purim And St. Patrick’s Day Fall On Same Day In Win For Alcoholism

NEW YORK, NY — In an exciting twist for alcoholics and enablers alike, St. Patrick’s Day and Purim fall on the same day this year. According to experts, this holiday coincidence is a unique opportunity for those who claim to “only drink on special occasions” to go absolutely apeshit without fear of divine retribution.  “We’reContinue reading “Purim And St. Patrick’s Day Fall On Same Day In Win For Alcoholism”

Pathetic: Local Fourth Grader Can’t Fold Hamantaschen Correctly

HOLLYWOOD, FL — Attempting to impress his older cousins late Sunday afternoon, fourth grader Dovi Berman insisted that he was a skilled hamantaschen folder. Despite his bragging, however, it was soon discovered that his skills left much to be desired. “At first I assumed he was going overboard with the filling,” said Berman’s older cousinContinue reading “Pathetic: Local Fourth Grader Can’t Fold Hamantaschen Correctly”

Lone Soldier Shocked Israeli Army Significantly Harder Than Camp IDF Day

ASHKELON, IL — Following his first week of basic training, new IDF recruit Jacob Moskowitz realized that it was going to be much harder than Camp Moshava’s army day simulation made it out to be.  “The army is actually really hard, guys,” said Moskowitz to his completely unsympathetic camp friends, who chose to spend theirContinue reading “Lone Soldier Shocked Israeli Army Significantly Harder Than Camp IDF Day”

Man Leaves YU Seforim Sale With No Marriage Prospects, Only Books

NEW YORK, NY — Admitting that the experience failed to meet his expectations, Shmuley Moscowitz was reportedly disappointed Wednesday evening as he left the Yeshiva University Seforim Sale alone, with only a bag full of books he had no intention of reading.  Moscowitz, who frequently skips night Seder to watch YU basketball games, arrived atContinue reading “Man Leaves YU Seforim Sale With No Marriage Prospects, Only Books”

Only Jewish Employee At Kosher Pizzeria Makes Big Bucks Just To Turn On Ovens

ELIZABETH, NJ — Grinning smugly as he turned the oven to 350° Fahrenheit, local teenager Moshe Goldfarb confirmed that he had been hired last week at Jerusalem Pizza in Elizabeth, New Jersey to operate the restaurant’s ovens, thereby circumventing the prohibition of Bishul Akum (cooking by gentiles). “The job really allows me to apply whatContinue reading “Only Jewish Employee At Kosher Pizzeria Makes Big Bucks Just To Turn On Ovens”

Impressive: Birthright Attendee Beats Odds, Drowns In Dead Sea

EIN GEDI, ISRAEL — Shattering a historic glass ceiling, 20-year-old Birthright attendee Sarah Shapiro became the first person to drown in the Dead Sea last Thursday morning, baffling authorities and her fellow bus-mates alike.  “Considering this is the one body of water that doesn’t require prior swimming experience, I have to say I’m pretty impressed,”Continue reading “Impressive: Birthright Attendee Beats Odds, Drowns In Dead Sea”

As Conservative Movement Dies, USY Hookup Point System Faces Inflation

SILVER SPRING, MD — Following a steep decline in Conservative Jews, the famed “point system” for hookups between members of Conservative youth group USY is now facing gripping inflation rates. “When my older sisters were in USY, they probably had 40, 50 points each,” explained Sami Broder, who comprises her entire chapter board and isContinue reading “As Conservative Movement Dies, USY Hookup Point System Faces Inflation”