Category Archives: News

Amar’e Stoudemire Converts To Islam After YU Basketball Streak Ends

Amar’e Stoudemire was reportedly extremely embarrassed upon receiving the news that Yeshiva University’s basketball team, the Maccabees, lost a game-ending their 50-game streak. “Damn, I should have known Kareem was right,” he said, throwing his black hat to the ground.

Uh Oh: Yedid Nefesh Off to Slow Start, Forecast Bleak for Rest of Kabbalat Shabbat

TEANECK, NJ — A drawn-out “Yedid Nefesh” was heard Friday at sunset in Young Israel of Teaneck, leading to bleak predictions for when services would finally end. Murmurs were heard around the synagogue as members filled with regret that seventy-two-year-old Isaac Rosenberg was allowed to lead Kabbalat Shabbat services for the third time this year. Continue reading “Uh Oh: Yedid Nefesh Off to Slow Start, Forecast Bleak for Rest of Kabbalat Shabbat”

Jews Win War On Christmas

NORTH POLE, ARCTIC OCEAN — Following a decisive military victory on Thursday the 23rd with the capture of Santa Claus, Jewish communities across the country are celebrating their triumph as they warmly welcome back veterans of the War on Christmas. After years of armed struggles, from the infamous Starbucks front to the dreadful Twitter tactics,Continue reading “Jews Win War On Christmas”

University BDS Chapter Disbanded After Realizing Fauda Has English Subtitles

Berkeley, CA — Local graduate student Olivia Lowell has stepped back from her leading role in UC Berkeley’s BDS organization after learning that the hit Israeli TV show “Fauda” comes with English subtitles on Netflix. “It just seemed so unfair to me,” Lowell reportedly said, “that Israel had this supposedly amazing show, but they were hoardingContinue reading “University BDS Chapter Disbanded After Realizing Fauda Has English Subtitles”