WHITE PLAINS, NY — Reports of Temple Sharith Israel’s annual Megillah reading event becoming progressively more hostile every year have been rocking the White Plains community, and Rabbi Danya Farstein has fallen victim to the brunt of the hostility. “At first, it was barely noticeable. The booing at the mention of Haman was maybe aContinue reading “Overly-passionate Congregation’s Boos Starting to Hurt Megillah Reader’s Feelings”
Category Archives: News
Chabad Rabbi Shoots Heroin Until Unable to Tell Difference Between Haman and Mordechai
WILLIAMSBURG, NY — Rabbi Dov “Wild Bear” Scharf took an unconventional approach to his Purim partying this year. In accordance with Halacha, on Purim one is commanded to become inebriated until unable to tell the difference between the two main characters of the Purim story – however, instead of bringing alcohol, this year Rabbi ScharfContinue reading “Chabad Rabbi Shoots Heroin Until Unable to Tell Difference Between Haman and Mordechai”
Baby in Back of Synagogue Must Like REALLY Hate Haman
SEATTLE, WA — Congregation Beth Shalom’s Emma Geller, the 4-month old daughter of Meital and Ben Geller, showed her admirably staunch disapproval of the evil Haman’s attempted genocide of our people Erev Purim, when she would not stop crying through literally the entire Megillah reading. Emma began crying as soon as Rabbi Eric Horowitz began readingContinue reading “Baby in Back of Synagogue Must Like REALLY Hate Haman”
Intervention Held For Friend Who Prefers Poppy Seed Hamantaschen
MONSEY, NY— An intervention was staged this week for local Jewish teen Jacob Alterman after it became apparent that he prefers poppy seed hamantaschen even to flavors like chocolate chip, apricot jam, and cherry. “It all started when he was 16 and our parents got divorced. He came home from a Rosh Chodesh Adar partyContinue reading “Intervention Held For Friend Who Prefers Poppy Seed Hamantaschen”
Student Rejected from 14 Internships, Insists Working at Summer Camp Looks More Impressive on Resume Anyways
GAINESVILLE, FL — After months of applications to various internships, University of Florida sophomore Emily Perling has ultimately decided to return to Camp Coleman for the summer. “Working at camp actually looks better on a resume,” said Perling, a computer science major who applied to nine different software companies’ summer internships, three international research programs,Continue reading “Student Rejected from 14 Internships, Insists Working at Summer Camp Looks More Impressive on Resume Anyways”
Bar Mitzvah Theme Makes Area Kid Seem Way More into Basketball than He Really Is
MIAMI, FL — When guests walked past the life-size cutout of LeBron James welcoming them to “Ryan’s Home Court” at the Hilton last Saturday night for Ryan Glazer’s bar mitzvah party, then passed under an arch made of basketball balloons and into a ballroom full of tables with centerpieces made of light up hoops whoseContinue reading “Bar Mitzvah Theme Makes Area Kid Seem Way More into Basketball than He Really Is”
Adventurous HaKotel Alum Decides to Leave the Jewish Bubble, Attends Maryland
COLLEGE PARK, MD — Yaakov Davidson of Houston, Texas is officially getting out of the closed-off ‘bubble’ of Modern Orthodox Judaism. “I’ve just been on the same path my whole life,” Davidson said of the decision. “I really wanted to get out of the same system, the same echochamber. I think it’s really healthy toContinue reading “Adventurous HaKotel Alum Decides to Leave the Jewish Bubble, Attends Maryland”
New Record For Loudest Sound Ever Heard: Grandma Whispered in Synagogue
BOSTON, MA — A new record has been set for the loudest sound recorded in human history. The title was once held by the 1883 eruption of the Krakatoa volcano, which was heard 3,000 miles away – but on Saturday, Arlene Rosenberg, 77 year old member of Congregation Or Yisrael, attempted to whisper during theContinue reading “New Record For Loudest Sound Ever Heard: Grandma Whispered in Synagogue”
Local Non-Jew Opens Sunkist Fruit Gem Before the Bat Mitzvah Kid is Done With Maftir, Disrupts Entire Service
CHARLOTTE, VA — Just as Mikayla Wasserman, age 13, began to chant the maftir portion at her bat mitzvah, she was interrupted by a sound from the far back corner of the sanctuary. At 11:46 on Saturday morning at Congregation Beth Shalom, Nick Thomsen, Mikayla’s piano teacher, was opening a Sunkist fruit gem, which heContinue reading “Local Non-Jew Opens Sunkist Fruit Gem Before the Bat Mitzvah Kid is Done With Maftir, Disrupts Entire Service”
Hillel Member Posts infographic to Instagram Story, Solves Israeli-Palestinian Conflict
CHICAGO, IL — Palestinians and Jews around the world have breathed a sigh of relief and begun mass celebrations as an infographic shared by University of Chicago Hillel treasurer Josh Goldfarb has finally put an end to the decades-long conflict between Israel and Palestine. Since being posted last Thursday, the graphic, which depicted the colorfulContinue reading “Hillel Member Posts infographic to Instagram Story, Solves Israeli-Palestinian Conflict”
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