Tag Archives: israel

BREAKING: Israeli Chief Rabbinate Declares Cats Kosher To Fix Stray Cat Problem

JERUSALEM, IL — A historic shift took place Monday morning as the Chief Rabbinate of Israel officially declared cats as the newest addition to the relatively brief list of kosher animals. The decision comes from years of debate after the concept was initially proposed to curb the rampant feline pest predicament.  “These street cats haveContinue reading “BREAKING: Israeli Chief Rabbinate Declares Cats Kosher To Fix Stray Cat Problem”

Local campus Hillel Proves Pluralism Is Totally Possible As Long As No One Interacts With Each Other

COLLEGE PARK, MD — The University of Maryland Hillel has proven, once and for all, that Jewish communities are capable of creating inclusive and pluralistic spaces, where Jews of all denominations can feel comfortable practicing their own brand of Judaism around each other, as long as they are within their own designated rooms of theContinue reading “Local campus Hillel Proves Pluralism Is Totally Possible As Long As No One Interacts With Each Other”

Man With Long Spiralling Shofar Clearly Compensating For Weak Tekiah Gedolah

SILVER SPRING, MD — Rumors have been circulating that local man with massive shofar Avi Stoltz can hardly maintain a clear note for twenty seconds. Despite the elegant and elaborate shofar in his possession, many are now speculating that his actual shofar skills, in reality, blow.  Congregants at Stoltz’s synagogue, Temple Beth David, were ableContinue reading “Man With Long Spiralling Shofar Clearly Compensating For Weak Tekiah Gedolah”

7 Life Hacks For Avoiding Social Interaction On Ben Yehuda Street

We Jews don’t generally believe in a hell, but if it’s out there, it’s an infinite loop of walking down Ben Yehuda street while an endless string of barely-known acquaintances from high school and various shabbatons start benign small talk with you. While we may be forced into it every once in a while, here’sContinue reading “7 Life Hacks For Avoiding Social Interaction On Ben Yehuda Street”

Man In Political Debate Just Itching To Bring Up Holocaust

NEW YORK, NY — Engaged in a heated debate about gun control, New York University sophomore Rafi Melamed could barely contain his excitement at the prospect of using the most devastating human tragedy in modern history to further his argument.  According to eyewitnesses, Melamed’s face turned a bright red and large veins protruded from hisContinue reading “Man In Political Debate Just Itching To Bring Up Holocaust”

Yad Vashem’s First Annual Fun Run Canceled, For Obvious Reasons

JERUSALEM, IL — In a last-minute press release, Yad Vashem has cancelled it’s first annual Yom HaZikaron fun run, citing “obvious reasons.” “We’re surprised the planning process got this far,” a Yad Vashem representative said, preferring to stay anonymous to avoid being connected to this event in any way. “A fun run? On Yom HaZikaron?Continue reading “Yad Vashem’s First Annual Fun Run Canceled, For Obvious Reasons”

5 Bar/Bat Mitzvah Projects That Are Way Cooler Than Raising Money For Some Stupid Charity

We’ve all been to a Bar or Bat Mitzvah where the kid does a project that aims to better their community – and let us be the first to say, big whoop. Oh, cool, you collected food for a food bank! Wow, you raised money for a children’s hospital, how original! If you really wantContinue reading “5 Bar/Bat Mitzvah Projects That Are Way Cooler Than Raising Money For Some Stupid Charity”