HUDSON RIVER, NY — Deep in the waters of the Hudson River, byswimmers overheard local fish Blub-Glub McCod loudly exclaim his fear of one day being used in gefilte fish this past Wednesday. “Just the thought of being ground up into one of those gelatinous fish-logs really grinds my gills,” McCod said to his schoolContinue reading “Antisemitic Fish Voices Fear Of One Day Becoming Gefilte”
Tag Archives: sabbath
BREAKING: NCSY Reveals Shomer Negiah Fabricated To Prevent Shabbaton Hook Ups
BOCA RATON, FL — Shockwaves rippled through the Jewish community this week when Josh Jacobs, the head of national youth group NCSY, admitted that the organization invented shomer negiah in the late 50’s as part of a joint effort with the Orthodox Union to stop high schoolers from engaging in physical acts on Shabbatons. ManyContinue reading “BREAKING: NCSY Reveals Shomer Negiah Fabricated To Prevent Shabbaton Hook Ups”
Local Non-Jew Wondering Why Her Roommate Keeps Complaining About the Temperature While Making Direct Eye Contact Every Saturday
ANN ARBOR, MI — University of Michigan freshman Savannah Waterford is unsure about why her roommate Yael Berger keeps complaining about the temperature every Saturday until sundown while making awkward eye contact. “That’s not the only thing she does,” Waterford said. “It seems like every Friday night, she gets into bed with the lights on,Continue reading “Local Non-Jew Wondering Why Her Roommate Keeps Complaining About the Temperature While Making Direct Eye Contact Every Saturday”
Overworked Oven Can’t Wait To Be Put On Shabbat Mode
QUEENS, NY — Exhausted by a tough week of high-temperature cooking, a local oven expressed its anticipation to observe a day of rest this weekend by going on Shabbat mode. “I’ve been set at 425 pretty much every night this week,” the oven said as it cooled down from cooking a Thursday night turkey forContinue reading “Overworked Oven Can’t Wait To Be Put On Shabbat Mode”
Uh Oh: The Goy Just Touched the Wine Bottle at the Dinner Table
HOUSTON, TX — Brian Goodman didn’t think anything terrible could happen when he invited his weird uncle Robert over for dinner with his family, but all that changed when his Uncle’s new girlfriend Kim poured herself a glass of Baron Herzog Special Reserve Cabernet Sauvignon. “It happened almost in slow motion,” Goodman said via aContinue reading “Uh Oh: The Goy Just Touched the Wine Bottle at the Dinner Table”
Opinion: Stop Talking About Your Camp
Enough already. Just because we’re both Jewish, it doesn’t mean I want to hear about your “life-changing” past Jewish experiences all the time. People have to stop talking about their camps and youth groups (unless they are the same ones I went to). Seriously, we are in college. We’re adults, and high school is aContinue reading “Opinion: Stop Talking About Your Camp”
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