Tag Archives: synagogue

Tri-State Area Jews Secede From Out-Of-Towners

UPPER WEST SIDE, NY — In a press release following a month-long conference in Stamford, CT, the newly formed Northeastern Base of B’nai Israel (NEBBI) announced that the Jews of the northeastern United States would be seceding from the rest of the diaspora.  This regional group, colloquially referred to as “in-towners”, is estimated to makeContinue reading “Tri-State Area Jews Secede From Out-Of-Towners”

Top 10 Nights of Hanukkah

Yup, it’s that time of year again, that period of several days characterized by consuming obscene amounts of jelly doughnuts and pretending to appreciate the fuzzy socks your aunt gave you — it’s Hanukkah. So, in commemoration of this special holiday, let’s take a look at the top 10 nights of the Festival of Lights.Continue reading “Top 10 Nights of Hanukkah”

Mom Absolutely Losing It Over Parve Dessert That Tastes Dairy

SKOKIE, IL — Spectators from the Shabbat table of Miriam Finkel yesterday claim they witnessed a bizarre scene when the soccer mom couldn’t seem to stop talking about the Tofutti Cuties she purchased at the kosher grocery store. Finkel had never tasted the delicacy before and had previously been wary of parve ice cream products.Continue reading “Mom Absolutely Losing It Over Parve Dessert That Tastes Dairy”

Synagogue Makes Brave Decision Not to Allow Female President of Board

RIVERDALE, NY — According to rapidly spreading rumors circulating around the tri-state area, Congregation Beit Yisrael has made the courageous decision not to elect a female board president this year. “The time to act is now, my fellow congregants,” said Roger Feldman, current synagogue board president, in an email to the congregation. “We considered movingContinue reading “Synagogue Makes Brave Decision Not to Allow Female President of Board”

Area Kid Singing Adon Olam On Bimah Hoping This Will Be His Big Break

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Eight-year-old Asher Engleman inspired the crowd at Congregation Lev Torah on Saturday when he marched to the bimah and belted Adon Olam with all the stage presence and determination of a future Broadway star. “I just knew it was going to be my big break,” Asher said, after leading the prayer inContinue reading “Area Kid Singing Adon Olam On Bimah Hoping This Will Be His Big Break”

Man Who Has Never Made Etrog Jam In His Life Swears This The Year He Finally Makes Etrog Jam

OAK PARK, MI — In a press release this week, accountant and local block party host Aryeh Gerber has vowed that this year will finally be the year that he makes jam out of the citrus used as part of the celebration of Sukkot.  “This year, I’m really gonna do it,” stated Gerber at hisContinue reading “Man Who Has Never Made Etrog Jam In His Life Swears This The Year He Finally Makes Etrog Jam”