Purim is one of the best Jewish holidays for getting absolutely smashed – sure, we have four cups of wine on Pesach, but on this holy day we’re literally commanded to get blackout drunk. Here are some quick and efficient ways to take your holiday experience to the next level. 1. Take a shot forContinue reading “5 Easy Purim Drinking Games to Make Your Mitzvah Fulfillment Lit AF”
Author Archives: Jon
Overly-passionate Congregation’s Boos Starting to Hurt Megillah Reader’s Feelings
WHITE PLAINS, NY — Reports of Temple Sharith Israel’s annual Megillah reading event becoming progressively more hostile every year have been rocking the White Plains community, and Rabbi Danya Farstein has fallen victim to the brunt of the hostility. “At first, it was barely noticeable. The booing at the mention of Haman was maybe aContinue reading “Overly-passionate Congregation’s Boos Starting to Hurt Megillah Reader’s Feelings”
Chabad Rabbi Shoots Heroin Until Unable to Tell Difference Between Haman and Mordechai
WILLIAMSBURG, NY — Rabbi Dov “Wild Bear” Scharf took an unconventional approach to his Purim partying this year. In accordance with Halacha, on Purim one is commanded to become inebriated until unable to tell the difference between the two main characters of the Purim story – however, instead of bringing alcohol, this year Rabbi ScharfContinue reading “Chabad Rabbi Shoots Heroin Until Unable to Tell Difference Between Haman and Mordechai”
Baby in Back of Synagogue Must Like REALLY Hate Haman
SEATTLE, WA — Congregation Beth Shalom’s Emma Geller, the 4-month old daughter of Meital and Ben Geller, showed her admirably staunch disapproval of the evil Haman’s attempted genocide of our people Erev Purim, when she would not stop crying through literally the entire Megillah reading. Emma began crying as soon as Rabbi Eric Horowitz began readingContinue reading “Baby in Back of Synagogue Must Like REALLY Hate Haman”
Intervention Held For Friend Who Prefers Poppy Seed Hamantaschen
MONSEY, NY— An intervention was staged this week for local Jewish teen Jacob Alterman after it became apparent that he prefers poppy seed hamantaschen even to flavors like chocolate chip, apricot jam, and cherry. “It all started when he was 16 and our parents got divorced. He came home from a Rosh Chodesh Adar partyContinue reading “Intervention Held For Friend Who Prefers Poppy Seed Hamantaschen”
Opinion: To be Honest, Haman Could Get It
Have you ever read the Megillah and thought “Damn… Esther really went for the wrong guy”? Because honestly, I’m with you. Not that if I was in her place I wouldn’t have saved all the Jews, but if I’m being totally truthful, I might have gotten distracted once I was in that palace because, toContinue reading “Opinion: To be Honest, Haman Could Get It”
Student Rejected from 14 Internships, Insists Working at Summer Camp Looks More Impressive on Resume Anyways
GAINESVILLE, FL — After months of applications to various internships, University of Florida sophomore Emily Perling has ultimately decided to return to Camp Coleman for the summer. “Working at camp actually looks better on a resume,” said Perling, a computer science major who applied to nine different software companies’ summer internships, three international research programs,Continue reading “Student Rejected from 14 Internships, Insists Working at Summer Camp Looks More Impressive on Resume Anyways”
Bar Mitzvah Theme Makes Area Kid Seem Way More into Basketball than He Really Is
MIAMI, FL — When guests walked past the life-size cutout of LeBron James welcoming them to “Ryan’s Home Court” at the Hilton last Saturday night for Ryan Glazer’s bar mitzvah party, then passed under an arch made of basketball balloons and into a ballroom full of tables with centerpieces made of light up hoops whoseContinue reading “Bar Mitzvah Theme Makes Area Kid Seem Way More into Basketball than He Really Is”
Adventurous HaKotel Alum Decides to Leave the Jewish Bubble, Attends Maryland
COLLEGE PARK, MD — Yaakov Davidson of Houston, Texas is officially getting out of the closed-off ‘bubble’ of Modern Orthodox Judaism. “I’ve just been on the same path my whole life,” Davidson said of the decision. “I really wanted to get out of the same system, the same echochamber. I think it’s really healthy toContinue reading “Adventurous HaKotel Alum Decides to Leave the Jewish Bubble, Attends Maryland”
New Record For Loudest Sound Ever Heard: Grandma Whispered in Synagogue
BOSTON, MA — A new record has been set for the loudest sound recorded in human history. The title was once held by the 1883 eruption of the Krakatoa volcano, which was heard 3,000 miles away – but on Saturday, Arlene Rosenberg, 77 year old member of Congregation Or Yisrael, attempted to whisper during theContinue reading “New Record For Loudest Sound Ever Heard: Grandma Whispered in Synagogue”
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