Tag Archives: torah

Man Falls Off Building Onto Woman, Gets Her Pregnant

JERUSALEM, IL — According to bewildered sources that witnessed the bizarre scene on Ussishkin Street early last month, Avraham Gold, local talmid chacham, accidentally fell off of a building, sticking the landing perfectly into a woman who was located below. Apparently, his fall was broken by the insertion of his erect penis into the woman’sContinue reading “Man Falls Off Building Onto Woman, Gets Her Pregnant”

Synagogue Makes Brave Decision Not to Allow Female President of Board

RIVERDALE, NY — According to rapidly spreading rumors circulating around the tri-state area, Congregation Beit Yisrael has made the courageous decision not to elect a female board president this year. “The time to act is now, my fellow congregants,” said Roger Feldman, current synagogue board president, in an email to the congregation. “We considered movingContinue reading “Synagogue Makes Brave Decision Not to Allow Female President of Board”

5 Tips To Bagel Your Professor

The art of bageling is a delicate and sensitive dance – a skill that helps us bond with fellow Jews even while hiding it from outsiders. For example, calling your mom “ima” aloud when you’re otherwise craftily hiding your identity by having a normal nose or not wearing your Jewish Star necklace. Here are someContinue reading “5 Tips To Bagel Your Professor”

Synagogue Rolling In Cash After Auctioning NFT Of Rare Carlebach Audio

CROWN HEIGHTS, NY — Ahavas Shira Synagogue struck gold last week when they minted a recording of a never-released Shlomo Carlebach work as a non-fungible token (NFT). Within hours, a massive bidding war broke out across the Jewish world, with offers coming in from as far as Monsey. “We’ve been getting into the crypto worldContinue reading “Synagogue Rolling In Cash After Auctioning NFT Of Rare Carlebach Audio”

Local Convert Disappointed He Can No Longer Cook Calf In Mother’s Milk

HOUSTON, TX — Ron Baker, newly converted member of the local Jewish community, was shocked on Wednesday when he discovered the thrice-iterated Biblical prohibition against cooking a kid goat in its mother’s milk.  “I know Judaism is all about restrictions,” Baker said. “But I never thought I’d have to give up boiling baby animals inContinue reading “Local Convert Disappointed He Can No Longer Cook Calf In Mother’s Milk”

Area Kid Singing Adon Olam On Bimah Hoping This Will Be His Big Break

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Eight-year-old Asher Engleman inspired the crowd at Congregation Lev Torah on Saturday when he marched to the bimah and belted Adon Olam with all the stage presence and determination of a future Broadway star. “I just knew it was going to be my big break,” Asher said, after leading the prayer inContinue reading “Area Kid Singing Adon Olam On Bimah Hoping This Will Be His Big Break”

Uh Oh: The Fax Machine At The Ohel Is Jammed Again

QUEENS, NY — The 27-year-old fax machine at the Ohel, the burial site of the Lubavitcher Rebbe, Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneerson, has jammed for the third time this month, according to reports. The fax machine receives close to 700 kvitlach, prayers written on small pieces of paper addressed to the Rebbe, each day. Now, withContinue reading “Uh Oh: The Fax Machine At The Ohel Is Jammed Again”

OU Heksher Council Denies Impossible Pork Certification On Grounds That It May Lead To Mixed Dancing

New York, NY — in a landmark decision this past Sunday, the Orthodox Union has decided to deny the Impossible Foods company’s new Impossible Pork product a Heksher. At a press conference, a spokesperson for the OU qualified this monumental Beit Din ruling with the simple reasoning that an OU symbol on a product labeledContinue reading “OU Heksher Council Denies Impossible Pork Certification On Grounds That It May Lead To Mixed Dancing”