LAWRENCE, NY — Yesterday, Shimmy Levi did what he does every year before Rosh Hashana; he counted the seeds in his pomegranate. But after an hour of sorting, Levi was shocked to discover the holy fruit only had 612 seeds. The tradition began three years ago, when a friend speculated that there was no wayContinue reading “Report: Pomegranate Only Has 612 Seeds This Year”
Author Archives: Jon
Star Student Kicks Off Semester By Missing First Month Of Classes
NEW HAVEN, CT — Yale History major Anna Kuniansky announced recently in a series of emails to professors that she plans to kick off her junior year by missing nearly every class for the first month. The email, which she copied and pasted into slightly different formats to send to each course instructor, explained, “dueContinue reading “Star Student Kicks Off Semester By Missing First Month Of Classes”
Business Owner In Rural Town Hoping Summer Profits Will Last Until Local Jewish Camp Reopens Next Year
STARLIGHT, PA — In the wake of a summer of unprecedented profits, local gift shop and general store owner Frank Hoddard has been left to wonder if his business will survive until the neighboring Jewish camp opens up next year. Hoddard’s store, The Goose’s Egg, sold a historic number of flannel shirts and patterned fluffy socksContinue reading “Business Owner In Rural Town Hoping Summer Profits Will Last Until Local Jewish Camp Reopens Next Year”
7 Life Hacks For Avoiding Social Interaction On Ben Yehuda Street
We Jews don’t generally believe in a hell, but if it’s out there, it’s an infinite loop of walking down Ben Yehuda street while an endless string of barely-known acquaintances from high school and various shabbatons start benign small talk with you. While we may be forced into it every once in a while, here’sContinue reading “7 Life Hacks For Avoiding Social Interaction On Ben Yehuda Street”
Man In Political Debate Just Itching To Bring Up Holocaust
NEW YORK, NY — Engaged in a heated debate about gun control, New York University sophomore Rafi Melamed could barely contain his excitement at the prospect of using the most devastating human tragedy in modern history to further his argument. According to eyewitnesses, Melamed’s face turned a bright red and large veins protruded from hisContinue reading “Man In Political Debate Just Itching To Bring Up Holocaust”
Crisis Averted: Airport Jews Find 10th To Help Make A Scene
Shocking: Man Claims To Not Know My Cousin Moshe Although They’re Both From New York
Pretty Badass: Camper Wearing Tzitzit Over T-Shirt
Man Still Can’t Smell Bisamim Post-Delta Variant, Trapped In Never-Ending Shabbat
LAKEWOOD, NJ — The first Saturday night after his miraculous recovery from Covid-19, community member David Grossman realized he was unable to smell besamim – unfortunately, that’s only where the problem began. “If I can’t smell the cloves, I haven’t made a division between the holy and the ordinary,” stated Grossman to the press, afterContinue reading “Man Still Can’t Smell Bisamim Post-Delta Variant, Trapped In Never-Ending Shabbat”
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