Elderly Persian Man at Least Four Words Behind Throughout Entirety of Mourner’s Kaddish

BEVERLY HILLS, CA — Mourners praying at Congregation Mogen David reportedly had trouble getting through Kaddish at the end of a Wednesday afternoon Mincha due to the delayed recitation of Haim Ephrampur, a 78-year-old Iranian member of the community.  The Mourner’s Kaddish, a traditional Jewish prayer said for 11 months after the death of aContinue reading “Elderly Persian Man at Least Four Words Behind Throughout Entirety of Mourner’s Kaddish”

Form Letter to Your Celebrity Crush About Why You are Worth Converting to Judaism for

Dear ___(Name of Celebrity Crush)__, My name is __(your name)__ and I have been in love with you for __(length of crush)__ since I saw you in __(movie, concert, TV show, interview, etc.)__.  I know we’ve never met, and I’m sure you have tons of people like me sending you fan mail. But this isContinue reading “Form Letter to Your Celebrity Crush About Why You are Worth Converting to Judaism for”

Ten Ways to Let That Saucy Boy Across the Bar Know That You’d Let Him Wreck You 24 Hours a Day Except for on Shabbos

Ways to subtly (or not so subtly) let that cute ass boy across the bar that you are down to get straight up weird with him any day of the week, save for Friday night and Saturday until sundown. 1. Strut Your (Hebrew) Stuff The most obvious way to let a cute guy know thatContinue reading “Ten Ways to Let That Saucy Boy Across the Bar Know That You’d Let Him Wreck You 24 Hours a Day Except for on Shabbos”

Breaking: Passover Basically Tomorrow

Yes, it’s technically still February, but if you aren’t already getting prepped for Passover, you’re in a whole mess of trouble. Obviously I hope you had a nice Purim and Shabbat, but let’s be real—Purim was a million years ago, before we started Pesach-cleaning… oh, you haven’t started yet? Oh, honey. Oh no. Please don’tContinue reading “Breaking: Passover Basically Tomorrow”

5 Easy Purim Drinking Games to Make Your Mitzvah Fulfillment Lit AF

Purim is one of the best Jewish holidays for getting absolutely smashed – sure, we have four cups of wine on Pesach, but on this holy day we’re literally commanded to get blackout drunk. Here are some quick and efficient ways to take your holiday experience to the next level.  1. Take a shot forContinue reading “5 Easy Purim Drinking Games to Make Your Mitzvah Fulfillment Lit AF”

Overly-passionate Congregation’s Boos Starting to Hurt Megillah Reader’s Feelings

WHITE PLAINS, NY — Reports of Temple Sharith Israel’s annual Megillah reading event becoming progressively more hostile every year have been rocking the White Plains community, and Rabbi Danya Farstein has fallen victim to the brunt of the hostility.  “At first, it was barely noticeable. The booing at the mention of Haman was maybe aContinue reading “Overly-passionate Congregation’s Boos Starting to Hurt Megillah Reader’s Feelings”

Chabad Rabbi Shoots Heroin Until Unable to Tell Difference Between Haman and Mordechai

WILLIAMSBURG, NY — Rabbi Dov “Wild Bear” Scharf took an unconventional approach to his Purim partying this year. In accordance with Halacha, on Purim one is commanded to become inebriated until unable to tell the difference between the two main characters of the Purim story – however, instead of bringing alcohol, this year Rabbi ScharfContinue reading “Chabad Rabbi Shoots Heroin Until Unable to Tell Difference Between Haman and Mordechai”

Baby in Back of Synagogue Must Like REALLY Hate Haman

SEATTLE, WA — Congregation Beth Shalom’s Emma Geller, the 4-month old daughter of Meital and Ben Geller, showed her admirably staunch disapproval of the evil Haman’s attempted genocide of our people Erev Purim, when she would not stop crying through literally the entire Megillah reading. Emma began crying as soon as Rabbi Eric Horowitz began readingContinue reading “Baby in Back of Synagogue Must Like REALLY Hate Haman”

Intervention Held For Friend Who Prefers Poppy Seed Hamantaschen

MONSEY, NY— An intervention was staged this week for local Jewish teen Jacob Alterman after it became apparent that he prefers poppy seed hamantaschen even to flavors like chocolate chip, apricot jam, and cherry.  “It all started when he was 16 and our parents got divorced. He came home from a Rosh Chodesh Adar partyContinue reading “Intervention Held For Friend Who Prefers Poppy Seed Hamantaschen”