Tag Archives: jew

Man Falls Off Building Onto Woman, Gets Her Pregnant

JERUSALEM, IL — According to bewildered sources that witnessed the bizarre scene on Ussishkin Street early last month, Avraham Gold, local talmid chacham, accidentally fell off of a building, sticking the landing perfectly into a woman who was located below. Apparently, his fall was broken by the insertion of his erect penis into the woman’sContinue reading “Man Falls Off Building Onto Woman, Gets Her Pregnant”

Synagogue Makes Brave Decision Not to Allow Female President of Board

RIVERDALE, NY — According to rapidly spreading rumors circulating around the tri-state area, Congregation Beit Yisrael has made the courageous decision not to elect a female board president this year. “The time to act is now, my fellow congregants,” said Roger Feldman, current synagogue board president, in an email to the congregation. “We considered movingContinue reading “Synagogue Makes Brave Decision Not to Allow Female President of Board”

5 Tips To Bagel Your Professor

The art of bageling is a delicate and sensitive dance – a skill that helps us bond with fellow Jews even while hiding it from outsiders. For example, calling your mom “ima” aloud when you’re otherwise craftily hiding your identity by having a normal nose or not wearing your Jewish Star necklace. Here are someContinue reading “5 Tips To Bagel Your Professor”

6 Activities To Try If Someone Says Being Jewish Can’t Be Your Whole Personality 

1. Fly-fishing Nothing says “my Jewish friends wouldn’t understand this” like intentionally standing in cold water, staying quiet for hours, catching something you can’t even eat, and wearing an outfit that makes it hard to use the bathroom. 2. Lacrosse Ever seen a Jew play lacrosse? Exactly. 3. Paint and Sip Class Sipping wine? Jewish!Continue reading “6 Activities To Try If Someone Says Being Jewish Can’t Be Your Whole Personality “

Synagogue Rolling In Cash After Auctioning NFT Of Rare Carlebach Audio

CROWN HEIGHTS, NY — Ahavas Shira Synagogue struck gold last week when they minted a recording of a never-released Shlomo Carlebach work as a non-fungible token (NFT). Within hours, a massive bidding war broke out across the Jewish world, with offers coming in from as far as Monsey. “We’ve been getting into the crypto worldContinue reading “Synagogue Rolling In Cash After Auctioning NFT Of Rare Carlebach Audio”

American Yeshiva Student With New Blundstones, Rav-Kav, Basically Israeli Now

JERUSALEM, IL — According to several witnesses waiting in line on Ben Yehuda Street for overpriced crépes, yeshiva student Yonah Gellman was spotted wearing brand-spanking-new Blundstones and carrying a freshly printed Rav Kav, indicating he’s basically Israeli now. Gellman, who is starting his third week at Yeshivat Eretz HaTzvi, is already considering renouncing his AmericanContinue reading “American Yeshiva Student With New Blundstones, Rav-Kav, Basically Israeli Now”

Local Convert Disappointed He Can No Longer Cook Calf In Mother’s Milk

HOUSTON, TX — Ron Baker, newly converted member of the local Jewish community, was shocked on Wednesday when he discovered the thrice-iterated Biblical prohibition against cooking a kid goat in its mother’s milk.  “I know Judaism is all about restrictions,” Baker said. “But I never thought I’d have to give up boiling baby animals inContinue reading “Local Convert Disappointed He Can No Longer Cook Calf In Mother’s Milk”