These days, college campuses can often be filled with anti-Israel propaganda, and students end up hiding their opinions just because of the pressure they feel to fit in with the crowd. But all that might change thanks to a stunning display of Zionist pride by UC Berkeley chem major Molly Segel and her Birthright guide,Continue reading “Win for Zionism on Campus: This American Birthright Participant Just Hooked Up with an IDF Soldier”
Author Archives: Jon
Confused Dominatrix Accidentally Attends Rally for BDS Movement
BERKELEY, CA — Clad in tight-fitting leather fetishwear, local dominatrix Susie Sanders told reporters that her attendance at a rally in support of the Boycott, Divestment and Sanctions movement that took place on the quad of UC Berkeley last Monday was unintentional. “I came here to fuck,” said Sanders, who was looking to participate inContinue reading “Confused Dominatrix Accidentally Attends Rally for BDS Movement”
Miracle Baby Born Without IBS
NEW YORK CITY, NY — Nothing short of a miracle took place at Manhattan’s Mount Sinai Hospital last night, where Melissa and Zev Pressman gave birth to an inexplicably IBS-free baby boy. The child appears to have been born without the rare intestinal disorder that causes abdominal pain and difficult bowel movements, common to JewsContinue reading “Miracle Baby Born Without IBS”
After 40 Years of Wandering, Sinai Jews Disappointed to Discover Israel is Just More Desert
GILGAL, ISRAEL — After 40 years of Moses pumping up the land of Israel, the Jewish people were all disappointed to discover their promised holy homeland is just more fucking desert. “I don’t understand where those spies got that massive fruit from,” Israelite Jebediah Ben Eli said. “We don’t even have drip irrigation yet.” OtherContinue reading “After 40 Years of Wandering, Sinai Jews Disappointed to Discover Israel is Just More Desert”
A Crash Landing is Still Technically a Landing: Remembering Israel’s Space Program on the Yahrtzeit of Beresheet
Today, April 11th, we observe the second yahrtzeit of Beresheet – the small, determined, and inspiring robotic-lunar-lander-that-could that was set to be Israel’s debut on the Moon. Beresheet was built by a team from SpaceIL and Israel Aerospace Industries, and set many records with graceful purpose: she made Israel the seventh country to orbit theContinue reading “A Crash Landing is Still Technically a Landing: Remembering Israel’s Space Program on the Yahrtzeit of Beresheet”
Ranking Non-Jewish Celebrities by How Jewish they Are
Have you ever looked at a celebrity and thought “man, they have to be Jewish” – only to be disappointed when you check their Wikipedia page? Us too! Which is why we’ve compiled our top ten favorite fake-out goys! These are The Schmear’s official rankings of non-Jewish celebrities based on how Jewish they are. 10.Continue reading “Ranking Non-Jewish Celebrities by How Jewish they Are”
Entire Building Disturbed by Sounds of Local Student on Phone with Grandmother
URBANA-CHAMPAIGN, IL — Disaster struck Alana Rappaport this Tuesday afternoon when the University of Illinois sophomore was rushing to her biology midterm and her phone chimed. “My dad texted to remind me that it was my Bubbe’s 86th birthday, and to make sure I remembered to call her before she went to bed at 4:45,”Continue reading “Entire Building Disturbed by Sounds of Local Student on Phone with Grandmother”
Local Father Waterboarded but Still Won’t Reveal Afikoman Hiding Spot
ANY OF THE FIVE TOWNS, NY — Tensions were high this past Sunday night when the children of the Bloom household employed advanced interrogation techniques on their father Shloimie Bloom as part of an ongoing investigation regarding the location of the afikoman. Shloimie, who usually just hides it behind a picture frame, took his responsibilitiesContinue reading “Local Father Waterboarded but Still Won’t Reveal Afikoman Hiding Spot”
5 Celebrities you Thought Were Dead but are Actually Alive and Jewish
1. Wallace Shawn My family had a full-fledged argument at dinner about whether “the short guy from The Princess Bride” was still alive. Turns out he is not yet dead, and he is as Jewish as his name is goyish. 2. Bob Dylan Although reported dead by MSNBC in Nov 2020, this Nobel Laureate singer-songwriterContinue reading “5 Celebrities you Thought Were Dead but are Actually Alive and Jewish”
Sephardic COVID Patient Relieved to Lose Sense of Taste Right Before Visiting Ashkenaz In-Laws for Passover
SEATTLE, WA — After a long battle with the COVID-19 virus, local graduate student Aaron Abarbanel was relieved to find his lost sense of taste and smell have not yet returned, just in time to visit his in-laws of Polish descent. “When I go over there I already have to shovel cold pressure-cooker brisket andContinue reading “Sephardic COVID Patient Relieved to Lose Sense of Taste Right Before Visiting Ashkenaz In-Laws for Passover”
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