5 Celebrities you Thought Were Dead but are Actually Alive and Jewish

1. Wallace Shawn My family had a full-fledged argument at dinner about whether “the short guy from The Princess Bride” was still alive. Turns out he is not yet dead, and he is as Jewish as his name is goyish. 2. Bob Dylan Although reported dead by MSNBC in Nov 2020, this Nobel Laureate singer-songwriterContinue reading “5 Celebrities you Thought Were Dead but are Actually Alive and Jewish”

Sephardic COVID Patient Relieved to Lose Sense of Taste Right Before Visiting Ashkenaz In-Laws for Passover

SEATTLE, WA — After a long battle with the COVID-19 virus, local graduate student Aaron Abarbanel was relieved to find his lost sense of taste and smell have not yet returned, just in time to visit his in-laws of Polish descent.  “When I go over there I already have to shovel cold pressure-cooker brisket andContinue reading “Sephardic COVID Patient Relieved to Lose Sense of Taste Right Before Visiting Ashkenaz In-Laws for Passover”

Opinion: I Promise There isn’t Chametz in my Internet History so you Definitely don’t have to Look There

As you start to search high and low for chametz in your houses, I understand that you’ll need to check under every couch cushion and between every fold in every sweater, but I promise you that there is no chametz in my browser history, so it’s honestly just not even worth looking there. I knowContinue reading “Opinion: I Promise There isn’t Chametz in my Internet History so you Definitely don’t have to Look There”

Opinion: I’m in My 20’s and Still Doing the Four Questions. What the Fuck.

I’m the youngest child in my immediate family – including my 17 first cousins – so it makes sense that I did the four questions when I was a kid. Maybe I even did them a little longer than the average person did, right? I mean, no younger siblings or cousins to take over forContinue reading “Opinion: I’m in My 20’s and Still Doing the Four Questions. What the Fuck.”

Reviewing Jewish Movies I Have Never Seen

I have watched a great deal of films made for, by, and about Jews, but honestly it’s just not possible to see them all so I won’t even try. Here are my reviews and ratings of some of these films that I have never watched. 1. Yentl (1983) I don’t need to see this filmContinue reading “Reviewing Jewish Movies I Have Never Seen”

Opinion: The World Does Not Need More Jewish A Cappella Groups

We all flip our latkes in the air sometimes, but if you can no longer do it without singing a Taio Cruz parody, then we can agree on something important — the world does not need any more Jewish a cappella groups. For thousands of years, our Jewish heritage has been kept alive by theContinue reading “Opinion: The World Does Not Need More Jewish A Cappella Groups”

On Jewish Dog Names

Editor’s Note: this article originally ran as the lead-in to the March 11th, 2021 newsletter, but by popular demand it is now being posted as a standard article. To avoid missing any more instant classics like this, subscribe to our newsletter on the front page of our website. When you think of the strength andContinue reading “On Jewish Dog Names”

Elderly Persian Man at Least Four Words Behind Throughout Entirety of Mourner’s Kaddish

BEVERLY HILLS, CA — Mourners praying at Congregation Mogen David reportedly had trouble getting through Kaddish at the end of a Wednesday afternoon Mincha due to the delayed recitation of Haim Ephrampur, a 78-year-old Iranian member of the community.  The Mourner’s Kaddish, a traditional Jewish prayer said for 11 months after the death of aContinue reading “Elderly Persian Man at Least Four Words Behind Throughout Entirety of Mourner’s Kaddish”

Form Letter to Your Celebrity Crush About Why You are Worth Converting to Judaism for

Dear ___(Name of Celebrity Crush)__, My name is __(your name)__ and I have been in love with you for __(length of crush)__ since I saw you in __(movie, concert, TV show, interview, etc.)__.  I know we’ve never met, and I’m sure you have tons of people like me sending you fan mail. But this isContinue reading “Form Letter to Your Celebrity Crush About Why You are Worth Converting to Judaism for”

Ten Ways to Let That Saucy Boy Across the Bar Know That You’d Let Him Wreck You 24 Hours a Day Except for on Shabbos

Ways to subtly (or not so subtly) let that cute ass boy across the bar that you are down to get straight up weird with him any day of the week, save for Friday night and Saturday until sundown. 1. Strut Your (Hebrew) Stuff The most obvious way to let a cute guy know thatContinue reading “Ten Ways to Let That Saucy Boy Across the Bar Know That You’d Let Him Wreck You 24 Hours a Day Except for on Shabbos”