Author Archives: Jon

Antisemitic Professor Fails Student Who was Absent Whole Semester, Never Turned in Assignments, Just Because He’s Jewish

SYRACUSE, NY — The Jewish community of Syracuse University has publicly called for the condemnation of Professor Robert Aldrin’s antisemitic actions last week. Professor Aldrin gave a failing grade to Micah Wittenberg, a junior in the psychology department, who has been notably outspoken on campus about his Jewish identity and support for Israel. Speaking toContinue reading “Antisemitic Professor Fails Student Who was Absent Whole Semester, Never Turned in Assignments, Just Because He’s Jewish”

Heartwarming: Nine Year Old Girl Inspires Community, Donates to Locks For Love

DALLAS, TX — Local hero, nine year old Annie Halpern, wasn’t looking for recognition on Sunday when she donated a nine-inch portion of her hair to the nonprofit charity Locks For Love, which provides hair prosthetics to sick children suffering from hair loss. Recognition, however, is exactly what she received.  Some have called the donation,Continue reading “Heartwarming: Nine Year Old Girl Inspires Community, Donates to Locks For Love”

Instagram Activist Calls Out Non-Jewish Friends Who Posted for Earth Day and Not Tu Bishvat

HYDE PARK, IL — Avid social activist Julie Bloomfeld was shocked to see the slew of Earth Day posts on her non-Jewish friend’s Instagram stories, when not a single one of them said a word about Tu Bishvat only a few months ago. “Earth Day is basically just a knock-off Tu Bishvat,” said Bloomfeld. “IContinue reading “Instagram Activist Calls Out Non-Jewish Friends Who Posted for Earth Day and Not Tu Bishvat”

Following Widespread Lashon Hara, Lepers Protest Cancel Culture

THE DESERT, SINAI PENINSULA —Tattlers across the 12 tribes are reporting that Tzara’at sufferers are agitated at their supposedly unfair ostracization from the Jewish community. Tzara’at, characterized by discolored spots on the hair, skin, clothes, and house, is a disease afflicting those who gossip and spread harmful untruths behind people’s backs. The only known treatmentContinue reading “Following Widespread Lashon Hara, Lepers Protest Cancel Culture”

FOOD FALLING FROM FUCKING SKY

THE DESERT, SINAI — In what is being hailed as a large-scale upending of the food service industry, reports are streaming out of the Sinai Desert that food is falling out of the fucking sky.  Witnesses claim that approximately 10,000 pounds of a clear food substance called manna plummeted out of the goddamn sky atContinue reading “FOOD FALLING FROM FUCKING SKY”

Jewish Man on Deathbed Disappointed to Learn it is Unclear if we Believe in Heaven

LAWRENCE, NY — Local Jewish man, Jacob Steiner, age 79, was reportedly exceptionally bitter after discovering that the Jewish concept of Heaven is complicated to say the least. “Well it just isn’t as simple as having a Heaven with lox and bagels instead of halos and harps. There are different concepts ranging from reincarnation, resurrectionContinue reading “Jewish Man on Deathbed Disappointed to Learn it is Unclear if we Believe in Heaven”

Uh Oh: The Goy Just Touched the Wine Bottle at the Dinner Table

HOUSTON, TX — Brian Goodman didn’t think anything terrible could happen when he invited his weird uncle Robert over for dinner with his family, but all that changed when his Uncle’s new girlfriend Kim poured herself a glass of Baron Herzog Special Reserve Cabernet Sauvignon. “It happened almost in slow motion,” Goodman said via aContinue reading “Uh Oh: The Goy Just Touched the Wine Bottle at the Dinner Table”

Shul Bathroom has had Same Basket of Tampons on the Counter as Long as Local Student Can Remember

TAMPA, FL — When Ruthie Mandel came home for Thanksgiving break of her freshman year in college, she knew her parents were going to make her go to shul. She didn’t expect for her trip to the bathroom during the Torah service to bring back such unexpected memories, and certainly didn’t expect a basket ofContinue reading “Shul Bathroom has had Same Basket of Tampons on the Counter as Long as Local Student Can Remember”

Study Finds Debbie Friedman’s “Mi Shebeirach” More Effective Than Moderna, Pfizer, and Johnson & Johnson Vaccines

BALTIMORE, MD — A recent study from Johns Hopkins has determined that while the Moderna, Pfizer, and Johnson & Johnson vaccines are effective for preventing COVID-19, the best cure available is a soulful rendition of Debbie Friedman’s “Mi Shebeirach” prayer. The study observed 10,000 vaccine recipients and 500 temples, youth groups, and Hebrew school classesContinue reading “Study Finds Debbie Friedman’s “Mi Shebeirach” More Effective Than Moderna, Pfizer, and Johnson & Johnson Vaccines”