News – Page 30

Synagogue Unveils Revolutionary New Logo, Features Fire, Book

Woman Just Added To Group Chat Meticulously Clicking Through Every Member’s WhatsApp Profile Photo

NEW YORK, NY — After getting added to a new WhatsApp group, local grad student Shayna Deutsch spent over seven minutes carefully clicking on the profile pictures of every single member of the group chat. The group, made for a friend’s upcoming birthday party, featured over a dozen phone numbers unregistered in Deutsch’s contacts. “IContinue reading “Woman Just Added To Group Chat Meticulously Clicking Through Every Member’s WhatsApp Profile Photo”

Local Wal-Mart Opens Kosher Aisle, Features Matzah In July, Food That Isn’t Kosher

CINCINNATI, OH — When Wal-Mart announced they would be unveiling a Kosher aisle, the Jews of Cincinnati rallied behind the momentous decision – unfortunately, the results were underwhelming. “We were so excited that we’d be able to buy our matzah meal and Yizkor candles along with our dog shampoo and As Seen On TV items,”Continue reading “Local Wal-Mart Opens Kosher Aisle, Features Matzah In July, Food That Isn’t Kosher”

Man Has Not Put On Tefillin Today, Despite What He Told Chabad Man On Street

WEST LAFAYETTE, IN — When local student Ezra Adler was asked by a bearded man, presumably of Chabad affiliation, if he had put on tefillin that day, it was the lie heard ‘round the world. Though laying phylacteries is traditional for Jewish men over the age of 13 to do every morning, Ezra had notContinue reading “Man Has Not Put On Tefillin Today, Despite What He Told Chabad Man On Street”

Finally: New BBYO Program Teaches Teens How To Be Followers

WASHINGTON D.C. — Leaders within the BBYO youth movement have recently announced plans for a new summer program called the International Followership Training Institute, which will take place at an assortment of JCC camps across the country. In a press release on Sunday, BBYO’s Director of Teen Programming Evan Barkin wrote, “For almost 100 years,Continue reading “Finally: New BBYO Program Teaches Teens How To Be Followers”

BREAKING: NCSY Reveals Shomer Negiah Fabricated To Prevent Shabbaton Hook Ups

BOCA RATON, FL — Shockwaves rippled through the Jewish community this week when Josh Jacobs, the head of national youth group NCSY, admitted that the organization invented shomer negiah in the late 50’s as part of a joint effort with the Orthodox Union to stop high schoolers from engaging in physical acts on Shabbatons. ManyContinue reading “BREAKING: NCSY Reveals Shomer Negiah Fabricated To Prevent Shabbaton Hook Ups”

Jew Spots Other Jew on Campus, Wants Him to Know He’s Also Jewish

NASHVILLE, TN — After spotting a kippah-clad male student crossing campus on Monday, Vanderbilt University Hillel secretary Jacob Rubin reportedly wanted to signal to him that he, too, identified as a member of the Jewish religion. “I tried making eye contact, but he didn’t notice,” Rubin said, still looking over his shoulder and tracking theContinue reading “Jew Spots Other Jew on Campus, Wants Him to Know He’s Also Jewish”

JCC Man Starting to Think 6’10” Muscle-Bound Black Dude Playing Basketball Not Actually Jewish

TENAFLY, NJ — After losing his third straight pickup basketball game at the Bergen County Jewish Community Center by double figures, web developer Micah Barnett found himself wondering if his opponent – a six-foot-ten, 250-lb muscular black man – was indeed Jewish. “Say what you will,” said Barnett, high school color war T-Shirt drenched withContinue reading “JCC Man Starting to Think 6’10” Muscle-Bound Black Dude Playing Basketball Not Actually Jewish”

Close Call: Campus Jewish Organization Added To University Diversity Meeting At Last Second

DAVIDSON, NC — Davidson College Hillel, the only non-Christian religious group on campus, breathed a sigh of relief last Tuesday when they received an email inviting them to participate in the university’s monthly diversity committee meetings. “We knew they were having these meetings,” said Hillel president Jonathan Weitz on a celebratory walk around campus, “andContinue reading “Close Call: Campus Jewish Organization Added To University Diversity Meeting At Last Second”