CHARLOTTE, VA — Just as Mikayla Wasserman, age 13, began to chant the maftir portion at her bat mitzvah, she was interrupted by a sound from the far back corner of the sanctuary. At 11:46 on Saturday morning at Congregation Beth Shalom, Nick Thomsen, Mikayla’s piano teacher, was opening a Sunkist fruit gem, which heContinue reading “Local Non-Jew Opens Sunkist Fruit Gem Before the Bat Mitzvah Kid is Done With Maftir, Disrupts Entire Service”
Author Archives: Jon
Hillel Member Posts infographic to Instagram Story, Solves Israeli-Palestinian Conflict
CHICAGO, IL — Palestinians and Jews around the world have breathed a sigh of relief and begun mass celebrations as an infographic shared by University of Chicago Hillel treasurer Josh Goldfarb has finally put an end to the decades-long conflict between Israel and Palestine. Since being posted last Thursday, the graphic, which depicted the colorfulContinue reading “Hillel Member Posts infographic to Instagram Story, Solves Israeli-Palestinian Conflict”
SHOCKING: Bar Mitzvah Speech Makes Sense?
PORTLAND, OR — Congregants at Temple Or Shalom were shocked this morning when bar mitzvah boy Daniel Haber’s speech was both coherent and interesting. Earlier that morning, the 13-year-old Daniel stumbled through his maftir and haftorah readings, which were barely audible to the friends and family who had traveled from around the country to beContinue reading “SHOCKING: Bar Mitzvah Speech Makes Sense?”
Oh No: Camp Rabbi Pulling Out Guitar for Some Reason
TOWNSEND, TN — While campers aged 8 to 14 were finishing their lunches of soy chicken nuggets, ominous whispers started to pass between the campers closer to the front of the dining hall. In just moments, the news had reached even the bunk forced to sit next to the supply closet in the back: theContinue reading “Oh No: Camp Rabbi Pulling Out Guitar for Some Reason”
SHOCKING: Community Outraged by Rampant Ashkenormativity at Kugelfest
ALLENTOWN, PA — Allentown Jewish Community Center held their 38th Annual Kugelfest this Sunday at a park downtown; the day featured contests of over 75 kugel recipes, as well as strudel bake-offs, cholent eating contests, matzah ball workshops, and even a station where the kids could bob for gefilte fish in a bucket of borscht.Continue reading “SHOCKING: Community Outraged by Rampant Ashkenormativity at Kugelfest”
Admissions Scandal: 8 Separate Ramah Campers Claim They Led Final Camp Havdalah in Admission Essays
WALTHAM, MA — In a shocking breaking story, eight Brandeis applicants referred to the same “final camp Havdalah” in their application essays, all claiming to have led the service. Names of the applicants have not been released, although rumors are spreading that at least 7 of them were in the same Gesher bunk at CampContinue reading “Admissions Scandal: 8 Separate Ramah Campers Claim They Led Final Camp Havdalah in Admission Essays”
Recent Divorcee Beating Willow Branch on Floor Definitely Going Through Something
SILVER SPRING, MD — Violently smacking a ceremonial willow branch against the ground while crying, local divorcee David Jacobson was reportedly asking aloud what he did to deserve this. Eyewitnesses on the scene report Mr. Jacobson taking the traditional beating of the willow branches on Hoshana Rabah way too far. While the rest of theContinue reading “Recent Divorcee Beating Willow Branch on Floor Definitely Going Through Something”
Area Kid Went on Gap Year; We Get It
BALTIMORE, MD — The greater Baltimore Jewish community is well aware that Jonah Reitman spent the last year in Israel. Since Reitman, age 19, returned from his 9-month journey in Israel, he has brought it up many times. A week after arriving back in the United States, he attended synagogue wearing a kippah he boughtContinue reading “Area Kid Went on Gap Year; We Get It”
Bear Attack Ruins High School Shabbaton; Lots of Students in Woods for Some Reason
CHICAGO, IL — A high school shabbaton was tragically cut short this weekend, thanks to a bear rampaging through the woods surrounding the summer camp where the shabbaton was held. Several students that were in the woods had to be rushed to the hospital, somehow oblivious to warning sounds of an incoming bear. “We actuallyContinue reading “Bear Attack Ruins High School Shabbaton; Lots of Students in Woods for Some Reason”
Embarrassing: Ashkenaz Couple’s Surprise Familial Relation Reflects Poorly on Jewish Geography Skills
CHICAGO, IL — One month before their wedding, Nathan Levine of Skokie and Rayna Greenblatt of Highland Park were devastated to learn of a Jewish geography connection they had overlooked: in a shocking twist of fate, they discovered they are 3rd cousins. Levine and Greenblatt had been dating for just under two years and wereContinue reading “Embarrassing: Ashkenaz Couple’s Surprise Familial Relation Reflects Poorly on Jewish Geography Skills”
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