Jon – Page 37

Middle-Aged Jewish Man Refuses to Take Vaccine, Doesn’t Mind Eating Herring from Kiddush 3 Weeks Ago

Jewish Day School Career Day Invites Non-Lawyers and Non-Doctors for First Time

NEW YORK, NY — Pluralistic Jewish elementary school Kehilat Neshama is giving a new twist to career day this year, with their controversial decision to invite people from professions outside of law and medicine. The innovative volte-face, announced by the administration in a school-wide email on Monday, has been welcomed by some parents with childrenContinue reading “Jewish Day School Career Day Invites Non-Lawyers and Non-Doctors for First Time”

Jewish Apples to Apples not as Fun as Local Third Grader Expected

RICHMOND, VA — Third graders at Temple Beth Shalom all cheered as their Hebrew school teacher pulled out the boxed game Apples to Apples during their class Wednesday evening. “We were all like, ‘finally’!” said third grader Lila Durman on how the class reacted, “We never get to play games. We were so excited toContinue reading “Jewish Apples to Apples not as Fun as Local Third Grader Expected”

Prospective Student at College Fair Way Too Worried About BDS on Campus, Considering He Probably Won’t Even Get In

ST LOUIS, MO — At Washington University in St. Louis’ prospective student visiting day on Sunday, high school senior Jason Wolman spent far too much time asking about the presence of anti-Zionist organization BDS on campus, for someone with very little chance of being accepted to the college in the first place. “This stuff isContinue reading “Prospective Student at College Fair Way Too Worried About BDS on Campus, Considering He Probably Won’t Even Get In”

Local Grandma Can’t Understand Why Jon Stewart is Black Now

BOCA RATON, FL — Grandmother of nine Ruthie Goldglance turned on Comedy Central last week for the first time in years to a shocking surprise: Jon Stewart, the 26-year-long host of The Daily Show, is now a Black man. “Back when Bush was president I used to love The Daily Show,” Ruthie said over aContinue reading “Local Grandma Can’t Understand Why Jon Stewart is Black Now”

Lactose Intolerant Ashkenaz Masochist Serves Third Cheesecake Of Shavuot

BOSTON, MA — On the second night of Shavuot, Jessica Gelman served yet another cheesecake for dessert, laughing with glee at the effect it would soon have on her lactose-intolerant family. “I know there’s some kabbalistic meaning behind abstaining from meat on Shavuot, but to me, it’s just the one day a year I getContinue reading “Lactose Intolerant Ashkenaz Masochist Serves Third Cheesecake Of Shavuot”

Tragic: This Man Forgot to Count Omer Last Night

STAMFORD, CT — In an unfortunate lapse of memory, Stamford native Elie Sharansky forgot to count the Omer last night, missing what would have been the 47th and penultimate night before Shavuot. Sharansky, who until last night had maintained a seven year perfect streak, was reminded of his error at a Shacharit minyan this morning.Continue reading “Tragic: This Man Forgot to Count Omer Last Night”

Campus Chabad Giving Out Branded Crap like There’s No Tomorrow

BINGHAMTON, NY — Students at Binghamton University worry that they missed a holiday or something, because the campus Chabad just keeps giving them things. Melissa Baker, a sophomore, struggled to open her dorm room door as she juggled a Chabad on Campus branded tote bag, a pair of neon sunglasses, and a Shabbat times refrigeratorContinue reading “Campus Chabad Giving Out Branded Crap like There’s No Tomorrow”

Awkward: I’ve Been Avoiding this Guy Since Our Souls Met at Har Sinai

I can’t tell you how uncomfortable it is to walk into a Starbucks on the Upper West Side and come face to face with the guy I’ve literally been avoiding since our souls met at Har Sinai. I mean, out of all of the Jewish people from every single generation since the inception of ourContinue reading “Awkward: I’ve Been Avoiding this Guy Since Our Souls Met at Har Sinai”

College Senior Announces Plans to Become 40 Year Old Man Playing Basketball at the JCC After Graduation

ITHACA, NY — On Wednesday, Noah Trasser of Dallas, TX, a Senior at the Cornell school of philosophy, turned in his thesis and announced that he has made definitive plans for after graduation. Trasser intends to emotionally prepare for being a 40 year old man playing basketball in the local JCC. “I was offered aContinue reading “College Senior Announces Plans to Become 40 Year Old Man Playing Basketball at the JCC After Graduation”