BROOKLYN, NY — In the week preceding Yom Kippur, MorningStar Farms® stock interests have skyrocketed. Explanations eluded leading economists, until Yonatan Glickman and his family were seen standing in their kitchen waving a bag of MorningStar Farms® Veggie Chik’n Nuggets around each of their heads as they completed the customary atonement ritual called Kapparot. The GlickmanContinue reading “MorningStar Farms® Chik’n Nuggets Sales Spike Thanks To Vegan Kapparot”
Tag Archives: holiday
Fashion Emergency: Entire Community Spotted Wearing White After Labor Day
LOS ANGELES, CA — At 8 p.m. on Wednesday, in a bombshell move that sent shockwaves throughout the California fashion scene, hundreds – if not thousands – of families were seen walking through the Pico-Robertson area wearing all white, merely a week and a half after labor day. Fashion critic Angelica Judd rushed to the sceneContinue reading “Fashion Emergency: Entire Community Spotted Wearing White After Labor Day”
Man With Long Spiralling Shofar Clearly Compensating For Weak Tekiah Gedolah
SILVER SPRING, MD — Rumors have been circulating that local man with massive shofar Avi Stoltz can hardly maintain a clear note for twenty seconds. Despite the elegant and elaborate shofar in his possession, many are now speculating that his actual shofar skills, in reality, blow. Congregants at Stoltz’s synagogue, Temple Beth David, were ableContinue reading “Man With Long Spiralling Shofar Clearly Compensating For Weak Tekiah Gedolah”
So Cool: Synagogue Hands Out Kooky 5782 Glasses To Jazz Up Holiday Prayers
Forget Apples and Honey: Make Your New Year Even Sweeter by Educating Yourself on the Iraq War
We’re all familiar with the age-old tradition of dipping our apples into honey to welcome in a “sweet new year” every Rosh HaShana – and by age-old, we mean aged and old. Boring! If you’re looking for a little spice, you could try pairing your sweet treats with a sharp cheddar and maybe a 2019Continue reading “Forget Apples and Honey: Make Your New Year Even Sweeter by Educating Yourself on the Iraq War”
Report: Pomegranate Only Has 612 Seeds This Year
LAWRENCE, NY — Yesterday, Shimmy Levi did what he does every year before Rosh Hashana; he counted the seeds in his pomegranate. But after an hour of sorting, Levi was shocked to discover the holy fruit only had 612 seeds. The tradition began three years ago, when a friend speculated that there was no wayContinue reading “Report: Pomegranate Only Has 612 Seeds This Year”
Star Student Kicks Off Semester By Missing First Month Of Classes
NEW HAVEN, CT — Yale History major Anna Kuniansky announced recently in a series of emails to professors that she plans to kick off her junior year by missing nearly every class for the first month. The email, which she copied and pasted into slightly different formats to send to each course instructor, explained, “dueContinue reading “Star Student Kicks Off Semester By Missing First Month Of Classes”
Opinion: Sephardim Say More Slichot Because They Sin More
Alright here’s the thing. For years Sefardim have been smug about having longer slichot than us Ashkenazi people. They think they’re better because their slichot lasts a full month, while ours is only two weeks. But honestly, when you really think about it, why do they need so long? The whole point of slichot isContinue reading “Opinion: Sephardim Say More Slichot Because They Sin More”
Yad Vashem’s First Annual Fun Run Canceled, For Obvious Reasons
JERUSALEM, IL — In a last-minute press release, Yad Vashem has cancelled it’s first annual Yom HaZikaron fun run, citing “obvious reasons.” “We’re surprised the planning process got this far,” a Yad Vashem representative said, preferring to stay anonymous to avoid being connected to this event in any way. “A fun run? On Yom HaZikaron?Continue reading “Yad Vashem’s First Annual Fun Run Canceled, For Obvious Reasons”
Brawl Erupts in Mad Dash for Mini Hot Dogs at Bar Mitzvah Kiddush
HOLLYWOOD, FL — In a tragic turn of events, six Young Israel congregants were hospitalized in critical condition this week, all harmed in the same fistfight that broke out next to the mini hot dogs at Jakey Schultz’s bar mitzvah kiddish. “At first I felt bad throwing punches at guys I’ve prayed next to forContinue reading “Brawl Erupts in Mad Dash for Mini Hot Dogs at Bar Mitzvah Kiddush”
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